30 Day Transformation

Day 30

2009-07-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Day 30! The final day of the program but certainly not the final day of this journey. One thing I knew for sure going into this program is that the thing holding me back is me. I know what to do to become healthier. I have a lot of resistance built up: I judge myself on days when I don't do exactly as I planned (which then turns into multiple days because I've judged myself), I frequently fall into a space of not believing I can do it, and sometimes I think I don't deserve to get there. I've gotten to week 4 of the C25K program which means 16 minutes of running in a 30 minute period--that's a great physical leap to have made in the past 30 days. On a mental/emotional/spiritual level, I'm not wishing for the magic program that will get me to where I want to be. That's a leap too! I've spent so much time looking for something that will get me there and not seeing that I am there already. I kept saying in my head "I want to learn this lesson" but I missed the point that I am going to be learning a new lesson all the time. I'm not going to get to a point in life where there are no lessons to learn even if I live to be 100. As long as I'm willing to work on myself there will always be new things to discover about myself. Relationships will change and I'll have to discover how to navigate that. I'll be presented with new challenges and have to discover abilities I didn't know I had. Life will give me exactly what I need every day for the evolution of my consciousness and the unfoldment of my soul.

Dr. Oz's "Foods to Avoid" List

2009-07-02T06:58:00.000-07:00

Got this today in an ezine from the Oprah show. His comment about sugar was very helpful for me. I avoid sugar because I know it makes me hungrier. I never thought about this being the reason why. What I don't understand is why it affects me so much more than some people. It gives me an almost obsessed feeling.

To make your diet more healthy, Dr. Oz says to remember his "rule of fives." Look at the labels of the foods you eat. If you see one of these five ingredients listed as one of the first five things used to make it, don't eat it.

High fructose corn syrup
"We most commonly get this in soft drinks," Dr. Oz says. "It's an inexpensive sugar, which means we're getting a lot of it in our diet."

Sugar
Dr. Oz says when you eat sweets, your brain receives schizophrenic messages. "It says: 'I got calories, but I didn't get any nutrients,'" he says. Your body will keep craving food until it gets those nutrients.

"Enriched"
Also watch out for products made with "enriched" flour, like white bread. "Why would they take bread and have to enrich it? Because they take all the important vitamins out of it, and they sprinkle just a little bit back in there," Dr. Oz says.

Trans fat
Also known as hydrogenated fat, these are fats that were once in liquid form but have hydrogen added to make them solid at room temperature. "It extends the shelf life of the product," Dr. Oz says. "But it shortens the human life."

Saturated fats
These fats come from four-legged animals like pigs and cows.

Day 29

2009-07-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good day yesterday. There was a celebration in the morning at work to celebrate our new name/brand so I had to get up early and miss walking the dog to get there in time. As part of the celebration there were several volunteer opportunities for us. I went to Torrey Pines Beach to pick up trash. It was actually a lot of fun but I found that Torrey Pines is a very clean beach so there isn't much trash to pick up. It seems like they could have sent us north a bit where a beach truly needed us. Oh well. It was better than being at work :D

I ended up going out to lunch with a co-worker after our beach time but I got a great salad with a grilled chicken breast on it from a nearby cafe. It was really good. So while I didn't eat strictly my packed meals, I did eat good stuff. I was extra hungry last night. This typically happens a few days after I start reducing my calories. It'll pass and all will be okay.

My give yesterday: To the people of San Diego, cleaning up the beach.

Today I'm grateful for: I was going to say holidays since we're getting a 3-day weekend. heehee! I'm grateful for my chickens and their fresh eggs they lay almost daily. I'm sitting here looking forward to eating a fresh egg for my breakfast soon. They are so flavorful and fresh.

My plan for today: Today should be my day to run for C25K but it's my yoga day too so I think I'll hold off on C25k until tomorrow. I don't really have time for both since I do my run at work. I can run Friday and Sunday at the gym so that'll work. I'll pack my meals for today too.

Day 28

2009-07-01T11:03:00.001-07:00

I wrote a short blog last night and it's good I did because I don't have much time today. It's a big day at my office so I had to get to work early for the celebration and now I'm headed out to go clean the beach for the next couple of hours.

Today...

2009-06-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

was a very good "fierce" day :) I ate my planned meals and I did Week 4 of C25K. It's funny how the first time I do a week I am red and sweaty but by the 3rd time I'm doing okay. So today doing Week 4 for the first time I was red and very sweaty. I also discovered something for which I am very grateful--my UnderArmour Endure sports bra. Today my husband washed it so I brought an old sports bra with me to exercise today. It downright HURT to run and week 4 of C25K has you run two intervals of 3 minutes and 5 minutes. So for 16 minutes I held my arms under my chest to keep from bouncing myself too hard.
I have discovered a new snack--Emerald makes cocoa roasted almonds. They are delightful! It has a light dusting of dark cocoa on them and ever-so-slightly sweet with sucralose (it's the last ingredient so there isn't much of it). Delightful!

Day 27

2009-06-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Day 27! Just a few days left!

Things I'm Proud of from Yesterday: I had a really good day yesterday. I had decided to start back to being militant about my food plan and I was! I got hungry a few times but reminded myself I'd be eating in an hour or so (it was never longer than that until my next mini-meal--the beauty of eating 5-6 mini meals per day). I also looked up the word militant in the Thesaurus. There weren't many synonyms that I liked for that word. Scrappy is cute but not really reflective of the situation. Another one listed was "fierce" and I kind of liked that. So from now one this is the "Fierce Meal Plan" :) I didn't do C25K or get any other exercise but I was trying to get over once & for all the icky about-to-get-sick feeling that has been coming and going for a few days while my sinus allergies have been acting up. I think I've finally gotten enough allergy meds in me as I have been able to breathe for 36 hours without decongestant spray. Yaaay!

My plan for today: Eat "Fierce" :) and do C25k Week 4!

Something I'm grateful for: All the wonderful new people that have entered my life recently. I've been feeling a bit lonely for friends lately as a long-time friendship has started to feel as though it is slipping away (I read recently that friendships usually have a 6 or 7 year lifespan so I guess I shouldn't be surprised). Meeting my accountability partner Sunday (Hi Carey!), hanging out Friday night with a woman I used to work with, and praying with a woman at church on Sunday...all these connections have really made me feel like I'm not alone. That is very important to me. I love my husband and he is my friend, but I need to feel connected to others as well.

My Daily Give: Yesterday I stayed home all day so I didn't see many people, but I did arrange a dinner meeting with 2 friends. I'd also say that staying home from work yesterday was more of a gift to my spirit than it was a true sick day. My spirit was feeling crushed at the thought of going to work yesterday.

Day 26

2009-06-29T15:24:00.001-07:00

I'm staying home from work today! :) I didn't feel very good yesterday. I didn't sleep well again last night (couldn't breathe). I woke up this morning and I felt like I really needed to skip work. Normally I wouldn't take the day off no matter how badly I wanted to because it seems trivial to "waste" the day. I needed it today on a soul level to have a day to myself. So I did!

I decided yesterday that I was going to go back to the "militant" way of sticking to my 5-6 meal a day plan. (Plan = 1 protein, 1 fruit for breakfast, a.m. snack and night snack; 1 protein, 1 vegetable, 1 fat for lunch and dinner; 1 protein, 1 vegetable for p.m. snack) I dont' really like the word militant but that's the word my husband used and it works. I do need to look at a Thesaurus though.

So far today I've stuck to it. Since I haven't been limiting my portions so much lately I've had some moments of hunger. I reminded myself that I'll be eating again very soon and went on to do something else. Usually when I recommit my first day is when I'm the strongest, but I feel like today that my strength to stick to it in a militant way will grow stronger.

Today I had a really wonderful moment with my bunny Stanley. I picked her up (yes, Stanley is a girl) and carried her into the bedroom and set her on the bed with me. It filled my heart so much to play with her on my bed. She hopped on top of me while I laid down so I could pet her sitting on my chest. I love my bunnies!

Day 25

2009-06-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's Sunday already! The weekend goes by way too fast!

Yesterday I walked the dog, went to yoga, brought the bunnies to get their nails trimmed, and did a little housecleaning. We went to SoupPlantation for dinner and then relaxed at home watching a DVD. Today I got up late because I had a horrible night sleep. Chester was yowling all night. It gets to to the point that I want to strangle him because there is no place I can put him where I can't hear him at night. He's an 18 year old cat so he's got issues, but he's causing me issues due to lack of sleep! I went to church and had a wonderful time chatting with my accountability partner who met me there. I stopped to do some shopping at Target and started to feel very ill (horrid headache that led to feelings of nausea and a couple of times made me feel faint). I came home and laid down. The cat welcomed me by starting to yowl. Great. I have a massive headache and the screech of his yowl was like nails on a chalkboard. So I picked him up and petted him and he was quiet. By not resisting his noisiness but meeting it with love and patience the yowling stopped and my headache eventually went away. A good metaphor for how I need to stop resisting and pushing away but instead surrounding this issue with loving kindness. Surrender is surely my lesson to learn right now.

Something I am proud of from yesterday: Didn't eat to uncomfortableness at SoupPlantation. Went to yoga.

My daily give: Picked up a Chai Latte for my husband who had been working in the yard all day. I also had a nice chat with a lady at the House Rabbit Society. That might not seem like a give but I think having a nice conversation with someone who is alone is a gift--assuming they want to talk. I asked her questions about her bunny and focused on her rather than sharing information about myself.

Something I'm grateful for today: The Unity Center. I've been attending for about 8 years and love the people who attend. I connect with such great energy there.

My plan for the day (which is half over!): Avoid wheat & sugar even in the tiniest of forms. I need to do Week 3 of C25K again but I need to get some water and carbs in me to have the energy for it. My headache has eased but isn't completely gone yet.

Got this AWESOME newsletter from the Kabbalah Centre today.

I was speaking to a Kabbalah Centre student not long ago, and he shared with me the difficulties he's having in business. Whatever he does, nothing seems to be working —cutbacks, consultants, restrategizing — he's tried it all.

It got me thinking about the deficits we all have at one time or another. One person may be seeking a soul mate; another, financial success; yet another, his life's purpose; and another, better health. Of course, our minds instantly go the 1% material solutions:

"Has he tried everything?"

"Maybe she should do that online dating thing?"

"He just doesn't have the skill set."

"What about alternative medicine?"

It's absolutely vital to do everything we can in the physical realm to create manifestation in our lives, and it's certainly not enough to sit and meditate ... and wait. But at the same time, we can try all the "right" solutions and still remained blocked.

The answer is that you must open the gates.

It's not about saying, "God, let me find a system to be more successful." Again, you do need to have a system, to create order, and to have a plan. The truth is we all have gates that are locked to those blessings.

The problem is you can't open a non-physical gate with a physical key. Part of the reason we cannot open those gates is because we don't know what's locked. Opening the gates does not mean asking for money or for Susie Whatserface to fall in love with you or for a breakthrough in science. Instead, we need to focus on how to unlock the gates.

Don't get me wrong, we all have gates that are open. We have moments in life or areas of life in which things just flow naturally. Sometimes too naturally. Even the wrong gates can be open. It's possible to use our blessings to do more damage than good.

Chances are those blessings will be short-lived if you go down that route. We need to work on closing the wrong gates and opening the ones that will lead to long-lasting fulfillment.

If the gates are open, you don't have to sell clothes, you can sell the hangers.

If the gates are open, you find yourself sitting on the bus next to a doctor doing research on your particular issue.

If the gates are open, you wake up and realize the love of your life was a good friend or acquaintance that you've been ignoring all along.

This week check in with yourself. Which gates do you need to open and which do you need to close? You might have the 1% skills, but know that the seed of your success is opening and/or closing the right gates. If they are open, nothing can stop you, and if they are closed, you can do everything in your 'power' but nothing will give.

All the best,
Yehuda

Wow! That really hit me today! I'm doing all the right things but there is some gate that is not open. As I talked with my accountability partner she said something like "Do you notice the switch is either on or it's off?" i.e. You're either living like you're in the zone or you're not. While I'm doing all the physical right things (food, exercise) there is a gate still shut. The switch is off. The cool thing is that I've had the switch be on. I've had the gate open. I know what it feels like. I consider myself lucky in that respect! At least I know what I'm shooting for. Most recently the switch was on in January & February. What was I doing then? I had a very clear eating plan and I followed it militantly! There was room for fudging. No fried chicken strips--because even though it's chicken, it is wrapped in breading. No letting a goldfish cracker pass my lips. The switch doesn't just get turned back on because I have sugar and wheat out of my system, but that I've opened the gate of Surrender--by not fighting against but just embracing that this is how I have to eat to lose weight and remain in higher consciousness.

Michael Beckwith on Oprah

2009-06-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm watching a taped Oprah episode that talked about spirituality. Michael B. Beckwith said something that really struck me. (this is paraphrased somewhat)

When we are in tough situations we are being called to cultivate qualities in us that we didn't have before. Tough times are indications that our souls can actually give birth to qualities and capacities that can't come forward until a time such as this. It's tough to hear that when we're in it because we just want the situation to go away and want the pain to end, but often times hidden in the circumstance is gift of the unfoldment of the soul.

Day 24

2009-06-27T12:26:00.001-07:00

Yesterday got better after my initial pity party. I had a good talk with my husband and felt more positive again.

Things I'm proud of from yesterday: I ate only my packed meals at work, ate what I planned to eat for dinner with my friend Tracy, did Week 3 of C25K (without turning totally red!), and did not nibble at all after dinner. I went over to Tracy's house after work and we played on her Wii. It was so FUN! We did bowling, boxing, and baseball, then switched over to Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is HARD! We weren't doing very well and we were still on the easy setting! haha! It was still a ton of fun!

Something I'm grateful for: Yoga Vista. (Have I used that one already?) It's a great Yoga studio with awesome teachers and a good atmosphere. I always feel better when I leave.

My Daily Give: I bought dinner for Tracy last night from Pick Up Stix. Oddly enough I've discovered that giving her things makes her feel uncomfortable so accepting the apple wood from her (for the bunnies to eat) might have actually been more of a gift to her. I guess she feels as if the balance is skewed when someone gives her something.

My plan for today: Well my day is half over already but my plan was to go to yoga, do some errands or stuff in doors while it's warm this afternoon and then do some work in my vegetable garden this afternoon. There is some stuff that is awfully overgrown and some stuff that is in need of fertilizer.

Day 23

2009-06-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not in a good space mentally today. I started to not even blog because I was afraid that I'd end up writing stuff that is not what I want to be thinking. Writing it down makes it real and I don't want this to be real. I'm feeling hopeless about weight loss. I lost 12 pounds earlier this year and then gained 7 back.
Today I don't believe that I can get to a health weight and that feels bad. I keep thinking that the perfect book, the perfect diet, the perfect bit of wisdom is out there and I just need to find it in order to make this happen. The truth is that the book, diet and wisdom are already in me but I just can't find it today. I feel like I'm searching in every nook and cranny and just can't find it. I KNOW it's there. I know that I know all that I need to do this. I know that I have the power within me to do this. The problem today is I don't believe I can do it. I need to change that feeling but right now I need to focus on doing work. If I'm working at least I'm not thinking about how I'm not losing weight, right?

Food yesterday was horrid. I had a good plan and I didn't stick to it. I did go to yoga and that was good.

I have my food packed for my meals today and my plan is to eat only that. Tonight I'm going to hang out with a friend and we're going to get salads from Pick Up Stix then play on her Wii. I will do Week 3 of C25K today too.

I think I need a bath in a Louise Hay book. :)

.....................................................
I had a nice talk with my husband. I told him that I feel weak when it comes to weight loss. He said "You're not weak. I know. I've seen you be strong." I have seen myself be strong too and that's why it makes me wonder why I have so much trouble with this. My husband was able to stop using an addictive substance many years ago and seems to have this amazing bit of control that I don't understand. He said that he's militant about whatever he decides to do. That's something that I'm not being. I'd love to just never have to eat again, but of course I can't do that. Drug addicts vow to never take their drug again. Food addicts can't do that. We still have to eat. I've said before that this makes food addiction harder but it doesn't excuse things. So what I have to do as a food addict is be 100% clear on what I can and cannot eat. There can't be any "Just this once won't hurt" business.

Intuition vs Fear

2009-06-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

I got this great message from Judith Orloff MD today in a e-newsletter. It was so great that I wanted to keep an excerpt here where I'd know where to find it.

How To Tell Fear From Intuition

Signs of a Reliable Intuition
•Conveys information neutrally, unemotionally
•Feels right in your gut
•Has a compassionate, affirming tone
•Gives crisp, clear impressions that are “seen” first, then felt
•Conveys a detached sensation, like you’re in a theater watching a movie

Signs of an Irrational Fear
•Is highly emotionally charged
•Has cruel, demeaning, or delusional content
•Conveys no gut-centered confirmation or on-target feeling
•Reflects past psychological wounds
•Diminishes centeredness and perspective

For comparison’s sake, I’ll share radically different examples of how I use the above criteria. One morning I got two calls from frightened patients who both claimed to be hearing voices. Truly a typical day in my office! The first came from Bill, a schizophrenic who’d been skimping on his meds. Bill’s inner “voice” kept haranguing him, insisting he was a bad person, that his food was poisoned, that his son was being raped again by the grandmotherly babysitter. Believing these “delusions” (false beliefs unsubstantiated by fact), he was absolutely unhinged. So Bill kept calling the cops, who sent a squad car out twice, but found no threat. Tolerant but tiring of this, the officers warned that if he contacted them again, they’d haul him off to a psychiatric hospital. My other patient, Jean, had been coping with despair about her brother suffering from end-stage AIDS. Jean’s inner “voice” said to immediately fly to New York to join him, though he’d recently been stable. True of authentic intuitions, it came through clear-as-a-bell, oddly matter-of-fact and followed the typical progression of being “seen first,” then felt.

Day 22

2009-06-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

Now that I've had my bath of inspiration :D I'm about ready to start my work day.

ThingsI'm proud of from yesterday: I ate my planned foods at work. I had a nice meal out with my husband (not a normal thing for us to do mid-week) and then went home and did some stuff around the house without eating a single other thing. That's amaaaaazing! I did Week 3 of C25K before I left work. It kicked my booty! I did Week 3 on Sunday but skipped 2 days in between because I didn't feel up to par. I think I may have to do Week 3 four times instead of three before moving on. That's okay though--I'm making progress!

My give yesterday: Sharing some of the homemade Saag Paneer I made the night before with a co-worker

Something I'm grateful for: My Daily Word magazine. It always lifts me up! Apparently it lifts Oprah up too because she had a picture of her breakfast table showing her Daily Word sitting there. How cool is that?!

My plan for today: I have my morning and afternoon snacks packed but we're having a pot luck for lunch. I brought in a light & yummy potato dish and will avoid the nachos or flautas that someone always brings. Tonight is yoga and I will be there or be square! I love my Thursday night class. The teacher is so well educated on how to do yoga poses that strengthen and keep your back safe. She's also very funny and I love the irreverance sometimes. Yoga should be fun!

Thank you Jeanie for the cute card! I put it on my vanity mirror to remind me daily! :)

Evaluation (Day 20 Exercise)

2009-06-24T13:16:00.001-07:00

I didn't get around to this yesterday so I want to today:

1. What am I currently being or doing that IS working well?
I keep coming back. That's something I don't always do. Typically I get off track one day, then figure "While I'm off track, I might as well _____" but I've come back to my plan.

2. What IS NOT working well?
I've gotten off track a bit on my blog for the last couple of days but I think that's because of being out of town. I got off track a bit while on vacation by eating some foods I should not. Going on vacation is not an excuse for eating wheat & sugar. It's okay to let myself have some foods I wouldn't normally eat but that leeway shouldn't extend to wheat or sugar.
I noticed before that weekends were similarly tempting to be loose. Weekends need to be more structured in regards to food and exercise

3. What do I need to KEEP doing?
Exercise, eating packed meals, cooking healthy meals at night for my lunches

4. What do I need to CHANGE?
My weekends and "off" time. Just because I'm not going to work doesn't mean that I get to be totally loosey-goosey and doing whatever falls in front of me. I stil need to plan.

5. What ACTION will I take?
This weekend I will plan out my food & exercise just as if it was a weekday. To help jump start me on this, I think I will do a 2-day juice cleanse.

6. By what DATE?
This weekend I will do a juice cleanse.

Day 21

2009-06-24T12:55:00.001-07:00

12:55pm and I'm just getting to my blog for today. How appropriate that our message from Jeanie today talked about Hurrying because it seems I do that a lot. "Hurry is a manifestation of fear" It reminded me of how I'm almost always late to get somewhere. I'm late for work all the time. I'm late for appointments much more than I'd like to be. "Hurry and fear cut off our connection to the Universal mind" I certainly believe that. When I'm hurrying I never feel centered or feel like "myself"--I feel like some scatter-brained crazy person. I'm working on making that better too. I just hope I don't keel over dead the moment I get all these things figured out and can actually enjoy them! LOL!!

Something I'm proud of from yesterday: I didn't stop at a drive-thru or eat a bunch of crap despite the fact that I was so tired and feeling a bit like I was going to get a cold. These days are dangerous for me (I think I just had one last week in fact) so the fact that I lived through it without over-eating is AMAZING! Woo-hoo! On the downside, I did not do C25K yesterday. I was so tired and wiped out that I just didn't feel like I could. I got a good night of sleep last night and feel much more up to it today. I also cooked some Saag and Paneer last night to have for lunch the next few days. I shared a little bowl of it today with a co-worker so that's my "give" for today.

My give from yesterday: I gave a nice compliment to a lady and her daughter that I saw in the grocery store last night.

Something I'm grateful for: Flowers. They just brighten my day so much. Yesterday I went to Von's on my lunch break and got a nice bouquet of spray roses for $5. Can't beat that!

My plan for today: Eat my packed meals (yogurt & blueberries for a.m. snack, Saag Paneer for lunch, and a carrot/cuke/bell pepper sticks and a Lara bar for p.m. snack) and do C25K Week 3.

Day 20

2009-06-23T10:03:00.001-07:00

I've got some catching up to do! We had a fun time this weekend getting away. We were happy to get home last night so we could "squeeze a puppy/bunny/cat/chick" (i.e. hug our pets). It was so hard to get up today and come to work though. I am clearly not doing the work I love. It's become more and more apparent to me that this is the case. I think of the days that I truly enjoy my work--where the day passes before my eyes and it's suddenly 5:30pm--and these days are few and far between. The work that I do is instructional design and the model that we use for instructional design work is called ADDIE (A-Assess Needs, D-Design, D-Develop, I-Implement, E-Evaluate). The last project I worked on was fun because I focused on the D, D, and I stages and that's what I really enjoy. My boss now has me working strictly on the A stage and then wants me to hand off the project to someone else and oversee them doing the D stages. I don't want to oversee people--I made that clear in the interview. I have a new manager so I told her as well that I don't want to oversee people. She said that this is the model that they are going with--Sr. IDs do the assessment and then oversee Jr. IDs doing the development. On top of not doing the type of work I want to do (and what I was told I'd be doing when I took the job!) there is so much work to be done--more than our current staff can possibly accommodate--so I feel rushed to finish things. Right now I'm feeling very fearful--that because I am working on a stage that is not my strongest point and then handing it off to someone else to finish the rest that the chances of failure are higher. If I were to work on this project all the way through, I could make corrections along the way, but in this case it has to be really accurate and thorough. I like learning but I feel like this job is pushing me harder than I want to work right now. I want to focus on other aspects of my life (spirituality, health) but all my energies are being zapped by this job that I don't really like that much. Then on top of all this, my one good friend from this job has been offered another job and she's going to take it. When I say that there is no one else at work I feel I can trust I am not exaggerating. Everyone here feels this need to CYA so much that they'll throw you under a bus.
Okay, enough of that rant and on to my Day 20.

Last few days: Food over the past few days has been off. I'm not going to say "bad" per se. I usually eat 5 smaller meals but being away from home that became a little harder and I ended up eating 3 larger meals. It's easy when you're at a fair with lots of good food to eat a lot extra but I really didn't and for that I'm proud. On top of that the food was pretty healthy! The food was not typical fair food. I ate from the vegan/raw food booth (I had a raw food strawberry & apple "pie" and it was to die for!), the "Ital" food booth (vegan), and stuff like that.

Something I'm grateful for today: My husband. I know I've put him here before but that day it was because I was upset with him and wanted to expand my feelings of appreciation for him. Today I am already feeling it. He's arranged our financial situation as of late to reduce our monthly mortgage payment, reduce our electrical needs (we're getting solar panels installed in the next couple of weeks), and reduce our water needs (by removing a section of our back yard and replacing it with decomposed granite). These things make me feel as though it could be possible for me to take another job doing something I love--as soon as I find it! It gives some breathing room.

My plan for today: I didn't have much food in the refrigerator to pack for today so tonight I'm going to Frazier Farms to buy food for the bunnies and for me. In the meantime I'll try to make healthy choices from our company cafeteria. I will do the Week 3 of C25K too. Hopefully it'll be easier today than it was Sunday!

Day 16/17

2009-06-20T08:39:00.001-07:00

We left home early yesterday to come up to Nor Cal for a 3-day world music festival so I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. We left the house around 6:30, drove to the airport, flew to Oakland, got our rental car and started driving north. We stopped in Santa Rosa for lunch at Panda Express--I had the veggies with blackened chicken and tofu eggplant which I've had before and know to be the lighter items on the menu. We got to Ukiah where our hotel is and got checked in. We ate again at the fairgrounds where the festival is held in Boonville. I didn't get much exercise yesterday except for walking through airports and walking around the fairground. The hotel I'm staying in does not have a gym :( so I'm not sure how I'm going to do my C25K. I thought I'd try to just do my run/walk on the street here but it's not very flat around here and it's pretty hot. :/ I'm not giving up yet but...

Note about yesterday: The road to Boonville is very, very, very curvy. My husband gets motion sickness easily and he got very sick on the way home last night. Not sure how we're going to manage the rest of the weekend with that!

Thursday things--I had a very nice relaxing day (had my facial), did a pretty good job with food and didn't eat all evening. For my daily gives I did a couple of things so that my husband wouldn't have to--I got my tires rotated while I did some shopping at Target (something he normally would have handled), bought him some new socks at Target (to save him a trip later), and got a plumber to come to the house in the afternoon to fix our leaking toilet. He was so happy and thankful that I had done these things for him--especially the toilet stuff.

Yesterday--Food choices were as good as I could make them during the day. I munched a little late in the evening because my last meal wasn't so filling and good at the fair. I chose the chicken satays because I thought they'd be healthiest but they weren't very good (not very warm or flavorful) or very filling (small amount of food) because I'm used to eating veggies to fill up.

My plan for today (Saturday, Day 17) is to eat a good little breakfast (eggs and fruit in hotel), eat from a different vendor that had some veggie-filled meals that looked fresh & healthy and let Aaron have something different. We'll walk around the fairgrounds and dance a bit. If I can figure a way to run/walk I will do that.

Day 15--Half way!

2009-06-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! I've said it before but I'll say it again. Time flies!

I didn't get my blog written this morning because I slept in (mostly because my geriatric cat was being obnoxious last night!) then went out to run errands. I got a facial today. It was so nice!

I had a good day yesterday--I didn't eat after dinner and stayed pretty busy during the day so I didn't have much time to think about food!

Something I'm grateful for today: Relaxation. I love having time to do the fun little things---watch Oprah (grateful for her!) and read.

My plan for today: I was going to go for a run/walk (start Week 3 of C25K) but I got a bikini wax before the facial and was told not to get too sweaty today. I didn't realize that would be the case. Taking an extra day off doesn't seem like a bad idea though. We'll see--I might go ahead and do it afterall!

Day 14

2009-06-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Things I'm proud of from yesterday: It was a much improved day. I felt better and more energetic so I was able to stick to my guns when tempted. I didn't eat after dinner last night!!! That's HUGE! I ate the food I packed during the day at work. For exercise, I walked the dog and did my 30 minute walk/run. Yesterday was my last day to do Week 2 of the C25K program so I can start Week 3 tomorrow. I'm going to be traveling that day for a 4-day weekend with my hubby Friday through Monday but I think I can still squeeze in doing C25K on Saturday. Monday might be harder since we travel back. We'll see what happens.

My daily give: Our security guards at work don't get talked to a whole lot by employees. It's like they are invisible people. Yesterday I struck up a conversation with one of the guys. I could tell he appreciated it because at the end he said "Thank you for asking"

Something I'm grateful for today: I'm grateful for PTO! I'll be off work starting tomorrow and coming back Tuesday. I don't know how people stood working 6 and 7 days a week with no paid vacation years ago. I guess that's why when you look at old photos people never smiled. :)

My plan for today: I didn't have time to pack meals today (other than my usual low-fat, plain yogurt with fruit that I have mid-morning) so I'll get a nice salad for lunch. I have a lot of meetings today so I won't have time to think about food. (That's good!)

Day 13

2009-06-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

Things I'm proud of from yesterday: Not much. I overate. I was really, really tired. I woke up tired and achy--I guess from the yoga class on Saturday and the run/walk on Sunday because I didn't do anything else to make my muscles sore and tired. Being tired and achy very frequently leads to eating more than I should--some inane attempt at getting more energy going, I guess. I beat myself up about it pretty good too. That little voice that I squished on Saturday came out kicking and screaming. I thought about it in the shower this morning. I am so freaking tired of the roller coaster of weight loss and overeating. As I stood there in the shower this morning I was so sick of it all that I wanted to cry. I wished that I could take a month or two off work to spend some time concentrating on why I keep doing this and try to heal myself. I would do almost anything to heal myself of whatever it is that makes me do this. I read books, I make commitments, I do really well for several days! Then I do something stupid-stupid-stupid like go to Taco Bell when I'm not even hungry! I'm sick of this. I don't want to live this way. How is it that I was doing SO well on Saturday and two days later I'm overeating with no concern whatsoever for the consequences? I don't get it. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just make peace with being overweight and stop fighting what is apparently my destiny. But I know that this is just a limiting belief that I have. And I know that while I might feel like just accepting what is and not trying to change it, I will want to change it later when this passes.
I feel extra bad that today I get encouragement emails from Jeanie and my accountability partner for my work so far when I did so poorly yesterday.

My plan for today: I have my meals packed. I am not going to eat anything other than what is in my lunch bag. When I get home I will fix something for dinner and not eat past 8:00pm. I will go to the gym later and do my run/walk.

Something I am grateful for: Daily Word. Just when I think that there are no words that can make me feel better, I read the Daily Word and realize that whatever bad feelings I have are not Truth. They are lies meant to bring me down. Yesterday's Daily Word says:

God is my wisdom and my strength.
I may have felt an inner urging for something more in life but had not been able to identify what that "more" was until now. I have discovered that it is a calling from within to experience the presence of God more fully.
I am both physical and spiritual. Knowing this, I do not look to the outer world for the satisfaction of my soul. God alone satisfies my soul, and when I fill my consciousness with an awareness of God, I know that I am whole and complete.
I am fulfilled through my daily communion with God. I am not a person who is wanting or needy. I am not beseeching or demanding. All-power is at work within me and through me--a wonder to behold. God is my wisdom and my strength, and I am capable of doing more and being more in every moment.
"Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine."--Ephesians 3:20

Day 12

2009-06-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

Things I'm proud of from yesterday: I did Week 2 of C25K, walked the dog, and didn't overeat at the picnic. I forgot about stopping food at 8:00 but I rememberd about 8:15 and stopped after that. It helped because I probably would have had a snack later.
My daily give: I tried to give a compliment to everyone I talked to at the picnic yesterday.
Something I'm grateful for: My job. Even though I woke up this morning dreading going to work, I do feel productive and a sense of satisfaction from my job. Most people at work treat me nicely. It's a reasonable drive from home. It pays the bills so that I can enjoy my life outside of work with fun activities and a comfortable home.
My plan for today: Eat my planned meals. My body feels very tired today. I guess yesterday's run/walk was harder on my body than I thought. I feel like I've been beat up! haha!

Day 11

2009-06-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Boy, this 30 days is going by fast. We're already one-third of the way through!

Yesterday wasn't a very structured day and that's usually when I get in trouble. I walked the dog (twice! as I mentioned in yesterday's post) and went to yoga. I got my hair cut and then did some shopping for a new media cabinet for our living room. I went to my favorite little grocery store in Vista (Frazier Farms) and decided to try out a non-dairy, no sugar ice cream type treat called Coconut Bliss. Someone from my yoga center had told me about it when I mentioned that I don't eat sugar or aspartame. This stuff is sweetened with Agave Nectar. I got home and thought it would be nice to try but stopped myself. I wasn't hungry. I would wait until I was hungry to eat it. Any other time I would have had a little anyway because I was curious. There was still a little bit of resistance about doing it too! There was this little voice deep down within me saying "Have some now!!" but I said "No, I'll have some later when I'm hungry...or maybe even after dinner." It was a weird feeling but a liberating one just the same. (By the way, it is sooooo good! I haven't eaten ice cream in quite a while so my taste buds might not be the same as everyone else's but I thought it was the bomb!)

My daily give yesterday was walking the dog for my husband after all the hard work he'd done in the yard.

My plan today is to go to yoga and do Week 2 of C25K at the gym. We have a BBQ to go to tonight. I have the potatos I'm going to use to make a potato salad (not a typical mayonnaise, cold potato salad though). I'm not feeling overly social at the moment and eating at a party can be tough for me. If I start feeling lonely because I don't have someone to talk to I turn to food and end up over-eating.

I committed in the "6 questions" post to not eating past 8pm. I've tried doing this several times and usually end up forgetting after a few days of it. It's going to take a consistent reminder for a while to keep it up. I should also commit to logging every thing I eat too but I'm not ready. I logged my food for a looong time pretty consistently and I'm kind of tired of it. I'm sure I'll go back to it again soon...just not right now.

6 Questions

2009-06-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today Jeanie asked us to answer the following questions:

1. What am I currently being or doing that IS working well?
Following C25K to get exercise, packing meals for my 3 mini-meals while at work, eating more vegetables (I've been chopping up cucumbers and carrots from my garden into spears)

2. What IS NOT working well?
Evenings. I'll do really well during the day but it's like I completely forget by evening what I'm doing.

3. What do I need to KEEP doing?
Exercising, eating well during the day, asking myself "What do you really need?" when I am tempted to eat things that are not part of my plan (especially fast food)

4. What do I need to CHANGE?
Logging all my meals into my online food journal, not eating after 8pm

5. What ACTION will I take?
I will set 8pm as a hard stop time for eating

6. By what DATE? I'll start tomorrow Sunday June 14

Day 10..and a half!

2009-06-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

I'm calling this Day 10 1/2 because I am just now getting to blog at 7:15pm. Blogging in the morning is a little problematic because I try not to get on the computer early in the morning and then I get busy doing things: water the garden, feed the bunnies, walk the dog, have breakfast, etc. and then I left the house to go to yoga, to get my hair cut, and then to look at furniture. Hence I'm just now getting to this.
So yesterday
"Things I'm proud of":

I did Week 2 of the C25K program which resulted in a very sound night's sleep. (Or maybe it was because the cat slept after his overreaction at the vet wore him out)
I ate my planned meals and then had salad and soup at SoupPlantation with my husband's family

My Daily Give:Wrote a nice card to my sister-in-law who graduated from high school yesterday
Something I'm grateful for:The C25K program and my UnderArmour Endure sports bra. I'm really enjoying following it--I love how it makes me feel physically but I also love how I feel mentally when I'm running. As I'm running I'm saying in my head (and to my face in the mirror) "You're doing this! You're running! Look at you!" That's cool.
Plan for tomorrow (which is really today): I don't pack meals on weekends but I try to eat similarly. I never seem to eat as many meals though. Today I had my usual breakfast, got vegetables and chicken at Panda Express after yoga so I could have lunch before my hair appointment, then an Ezekiel bread PB&J for dinner. I planned to go to yoga today and walk the dog once--which I did except that I ended up walking the dog both a.m. and p.m. because my husband wasn't feeling up to it. (That could be my give for today because I sure didn't feel like walking her again!)

2009-06-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is the Daily Word from Monday. It reflects how I am feeling on this journey.

New Me
Expressing my divine qualities, I am creative and innovative.
There may be times when even the thought of starting over exhausts me. Having to reinvent myself can leave me feeling overwhelmed.
However, with my thoughts focused on being the new me now, I avoid pulling up negative images of the past. I realize I do have a foundation to build my future on.
There are certain life events that could launch a new vision for me. I don't need to wait for a particular time or experience to begin a new venture. I can be the new me at any time.
I begin now to create with fresh innovation and to revise or reframe my goals, values, and intentions. With God, I am guided to live in the present moment as a spiritual being expressing divine qualities. I celebrate my transformation to the new me!
"Now begin the work, and the Lord be with you."--1 Chronicles 22:16

Everytime I start over a program I feel overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of starting over again. This time I focus my attention on the new me NOW and not use the past to drag me down. I am living in this moment expressing my divine qualitites!

Day 9

2009-06-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

It's 12:30 and I'm just now getting to do my daily blog. I had to be to work early because I had meetings. Meetings, meetings, meetings!

Things I'm proud of from yesterday: It was a pretty good day. I felt good. I ate my planned meals. I didn't get to go to yoga though: traffic was horrid going north. I have to say that I have been doing a great job of questioning myself "Why are you wanting to eat?" It has stopped me several times. When I leave work after a day that has tired me out I think about stopping for something on the way home. I've had several tiring days lately but haven't stopped at a drive thru. This is key for me. Fast food is sooo laden with calories.
My Daily Give:My cubicle neighbor and good friend, Linda, moved to another cubicle where she has a lot of natural light so I bought her a cute little ivy plant to sit on her window sill. I wrote a really silly note card to go with it and she loved that part too.
Something I'm grateful for:I'm grateful for my yard. Part of it is currently under construction but we have lots of fruit trees and a little garden and plenty of space for our dog and chickens to run around (and the rabbits too when we let them out for controlled play time). Today I have apricots from our tree in my yogurt and I have cucumber and carrots spears from the garden to eat for my lunch. I feel so abundant to have such a yard.
My plan for today:I missed yoga yesterday so I feel like I should get some exercise in today. I definitely didn't sleep as hard last night as I did the night before after doing a run. So I think today (after all my meetings!!) I'll start Week 2 of C25K! A couple of friends have asked if I'm going to run a 5K after I'm done and I hadn't even considered it. I've been feeling so motivated just because I wanted to be able to run some that I hadn't thought about joining a race. It turns out there is one in Guajome park (on the border of Vista & Oceanside) August 22.

Day 8--I Feel GO-O-O-OD!

2009-06-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do! I feel good today. THIS is how I want to feel everyday. I've been back into eating a better diet for about a week, I've "run" three times this week (Sat, Mon, Wed) for the C25K program, and I slept well last night (Thank you Chester cat for not waking me up all night!) I don't know which of these are making me feel better but I have a feeling it's D. All of the above. I got up at 6am this morning, got the coffee started and then went down to the garden to get some food for the bunnies. (Need to get to the store tonight!) I picked some apricots off my tree while I was down there and OMG they are good! So sweet and yummy! Unfortunately the birds like them too. I picked a few that the birds had pecked at to give to the chickens. The other day my husband saw our chicken Ginger hopping into the air trying to get an apricot. I wish I had seen that!!

Things that made me proud yesterday:

Did the Week 1 of C25K for the last time. Saturday I'll move to Week 2.
Ate my packed meals and when I got to Happy Hour with my 2 friends I ordered lettuce tacos instead of rolled tacos and carne asada fries like we did the last time we went there.
I didn't nibble all night once I got home! I had a banana with a little PB later in the evening and that was it!

My daily give: Planning the celebration at happy hour for my friend--she got a new job after only being unemployed 2 months. That's encouraging considering the state of the economy!

Something I'm grateful for today: First paragraph says it all! I'm thankful for feeling GOOD!

My plan for today:Eat my planned meals and go to yoga tonight after work. (And then to the store for bunny food so I don't have to dig around in the garden for food for them!)

Ponderings on Responsibility

2009-06-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm doing really well getting back to eating my packed meals during the day, but nighttime is still throwing me off. I had a realization last night though that I think is key. I'm a "good girl" all day at work--being the responsible employee and doing work, being the good "dieter" and eating my healthy, packed meals. Then I get home and want to totally rebel. I want to be irresponsible, eat everything in sight and forget all about all the people and pets relying on me. I have known for a while that I'm a responsibility junkie, but yesterday I got this great e-zine about doing too much out of sense of responsibility. I swear the woman must have been watching me or got inside my head to know. She used the term responsibility junkie and I felt like she had hit me right between the eyes. I'm not sure how to step back in my responsibilities because I've made a commitment to several organizations and I feel responsible for taking care of my household. What I do know is that my inner child is tired of being responsible and wants to be loose and free a bit more. This is something that has been ingrained in me since I was a kid. In the 4th grade I started 4-H and had a pig that I showed at the livestock shows. I was responsible for feeding it, cleaning its pen, etc. I continued showing pigs, chickens and dairy cows until I graduated from high school. When I have stress dreams (even now!) I dream that I've forgotten to feed my pigs/cows/chickens for a few days and they are all in pens where they can't get to food. I haven't had livestock since I was 18 and I'm 39 now....and yet that is how stress over responsibility manifests in my dreams.
This is something I need to ponder some more. As unrelated as showing a pig in 4-H in 4th grade seems to dieting...I think it is in my case.

Day 7

2009-06-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up with a bad headache and it didn't go away completely until I went home and took some heavy-duty pain medicine (I tried other things in the meantime--ibuprofen, drinking lots of water, resting my eyes, etc). I left work about an hour early when I just couldn't suck-it-up and keep going any longer.
I ate my healthy meals while I was at work and drank plenty of water (Proud of that!) and walked the dog in the morning. Not so proud of the fact that I overate when I got home though. I was thinking about this last night. I am so good at work--eating my planned meals and doing work. Then when I get home it's like I have to rebel. I want to be completely unproductive and eat everything in sight. I need to reflect on this some more because there is obviously something there I need to dig deeper to find. I'm keeping healthier foods at home(non-flour, non-sugar) but I'm eating too much of them. I've decided to stop buying nuts and string/sliced cheese to have at home. It's too easy to snack on them and it doesn't take long before you eat a bazillion calories by eating them. I didn't get a 2nd form of exercise in yesterday--just because of how bad I felt more than anything.
Something good I did yesterday--I planned a facial for myself next Thursday. I can't wait!
My daily give for Day 6: My husband was out of milk for his morning coffee. I went to the store last night just to get milk for him so he'd be happy this morning. :)
Something I'm grateful for today: That I feel good! Nothing like a bad-ass headache one day to make you grateful for feeling good every other day.
Plan for today:

Eat my packed meals
Do Week 1 of C25K (for the last time! woo-hoo! I'll start Week 2 Saturday
We're going to a happy hour today for a friend to celebrate her new job (I planned this little gathering for her so that's my daily give for today) My plan is to NOT have any of the appetizers they serve and to have iced tea over margaritas.

Day 6

2009-06-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

One of these days I'll get around to posting my end of day stuff the same evening. Last night I didn't get home until 10pm because I had a board meeting for my professional organization.

Things I'm proud of from Day 5:

I did Week 1 of C25K at the gym (tough but definitely see it getting easier)
Ate the healthy meals I packed and selected something rich in protein and low in fat for dinner

My daily give from Day 5: I sent an anonymous card to an acquaintance to boost her day.

Something I'm grateful for today: My co-worker friends who make work more fun and helps me feel light-hearted. My friendships have shifted in the last 6 months and it was a little scary to me. The friend who had been my best, best friend for the past several years seems to be fading away. I was feeling scared about potentially not having a good female friend in my life. As one pulls away another appeared. That ebb and flow is part of life so it's nice to see that in action.

My plan for today: I have healthy meals packed for work today. I'm not feeling well this morning but I still want to get some other exercise today besides walking the dog this morning.

Day 5

2009-06-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Things I'm proud of from Day 4:

I took the dog on a nice walk
I had some laughs with my husband
I got meals planned for me for the week (and for the bunnies which is a huge help!)
I have gotten into a habit of getting something to eat from a fast food place at SDSU after I finish my volunteer work there at noon. Yesterday I went to Starbucks and treated myself to an iced coffee instead.

My Daily Give: Gosh, I can't say that I did anything other than what I would have done otherwise. I read at the KPBS Reading Room so I gave up about 4 hours of my day to drive to SDSU to read for the visually impaired for 2.5 hours. It's something I do monthly. I also left a phone message on my neighbor's answering machine that made them laugh. I like bringing laughter to someone's day. :)

Something I'm grateful for today: I have so much abundance in my life. It's really quite unbelievable to me how abundant our life is--my husband and I. With so many people in our country losing jobs we are both employed. We have a house we can afford (even if one of us were to get laid off), our cars are paid for, we have several little trips planned for this year, and there is really nothing that we are lacking...except maybe free time!

My plan for today:

I have my meals for the day planned and packed in my lunch bag.
I have my workout clothes so that I can do my C25K plan for today at work.
I have a professional organization meeting tonight. I will not eat the warm bread they put on the table at the restaurant! I will order one of the *few* healthier meals this restaurant offers (halibut with asparagus). Today is a long day (I won't get home until 10pm) but I want to get home and relax with my husband and pets before falling into bed.

Day 4 AM

2009-06-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Things I am proud of for doing Day 3:

I got a lot of stuff done around the house so I will feel less rushed this week.
I spent some time in the garden
I spent some time with my very elderly cat who really needs patience, love & understanding from me right now
I went to the gym to do the week 1 plan for C25K

My Daily Give for Day 3: It doesn't sound like much, but my husband was working really hard in the yard all day so I bought him a little flakey, fruity danish thing as a treat for all his hard work.

My plan for Day 4:

Prepare bunny food for the next few days
Prepare something for my lunches this week (Maybe Saag Paneer?)
Do one of Jeanie's strength training routines (That is a huge goal for me as I really don't enjoy doing strength training)
Be patient with Chester cat-despite his mrowing and the fact that he left a trail of vomit and poo from the bathroom to the bedroom door :( I have had Chester 18 years and he has really tried my patience as of late, but I need to respond to his senility with loving kindness.
Scheduled items: Read at KPBS this morning, event in Escondido tonight
Laugh with Aaron

Something I'm grateful for today: That companies are making plant-based, safer cleaners. That may sound silly but yesterday when I was cleaning up the area around where my little bunnies live in our house, I was thankful that I could use something less toxic.

Day 3 (AM)

2009-06-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

I fell asleep on the couch last night so I didn't write why I was proud of myself yesterday. Yesterday of all days our boss decides to buy us pizza. I knew that on Day 2 it would be hard to pass up so I went to the cafeteria to get something that would be tasty and filling so that when the pizza came along it wouldn't be tempting. That worked! I had a horrible headache all day yesterday (probably due to not having any sugar and wheat--this is very common in the first couple of days) and that often destroys my resolve but I stuck to it. I considered stopping for something at a drive-thru (my nemesis!) on the way home but avoided that too.
As I mentioned yesterday morning I forgot to bring gym clothes to work but considering the headache I had I wouldn't have used them anyway!
My daily give: I spent a good hour with one of the junior people at work sharing some experiences with her to help her work on a project she had. I also have been very negative at work about doing a Performance Review (I think they are waste of time because it has never in my experience correlated to what kind of raise I get or anything) but I held my tongue during a conversation with my new manager and a colleague about them. I knew I had given my manager enough grief about it and wanted to give her a break.

So now, for today:
Today I am grateful for Yoga Vista--the place where I go to do yoga. I love the people, the location, and the teachers. It's given me more of a sense of community in Vista since I really don't know many people who live here even though I've lived here 7 years. Most of my friends and acquaintances lived elsewhere until I started going to yoga 3 years ago. I feel good and strong after yoga class.

My action plan for today: I'm going to yoga class at 10:30. I'm going to give myself some time in the garden today (or maybe that should be "give the garden some of my time"), I'm going to do Day 1 of the C25K at the gym, and I'm going to do some cooking so I have some healthy food ready to eat that don't have wheat and sugar.

I'll save this for now and read my future testimonial...and then it's time to get moving!

Day 2 (AM)

2009-06-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

Today I want to focus on being grateful for my husband. This morning I found myself feeling annoyed with him. For the past week or so I've been sleeping in the other bedroom ("my" bedroom) because I wasn't feeling well. I asked him last night when I'd get to sleep in "our" bedroom again but he wanted me to keep sleeping in the other room. This morning I walked in "our" bedroom and it was an absolute pig sty. It looked like a teenage boy lives in there instead of a 42 year old man. He also had the kitchen in a wreck from baking cookies last night. On top of that he's been letting the dog in the house with dirty paws so there are paw prints in the living room. That leaves one measily room in the house that is supposed to be half mine that wasn't a complete wreck--and I'm currently sharing that room with a senile cat who cries during the night and smells up the place a bit. I felt like what should be "our" house had become his mess. I am not currently feeling very grateful for him, but I want to feel grateful for him so I want to focus on what he has done lately. He's taken charge of the project of getting solar panels installed on our house--interviewing solar companies, roofers and electricians; he's taken on the yard project where dirt is being replaced with DG so we don't have to water our backyard at all; he does all our laundry; he takes care of the pets when work or fun takes me away; and he makes me smile and laugh. I do love him even when I don't love his actions (or lack of action).

I'm worried about today. They are bringing pizza in. This is Day 2 of going without sugar and wheat. This is the hardest day and they're going to sit pizza in front of me. That means I have to find something really yummy for my lunch that pizza won't tempt me. I don't want to white-knuckle my way through today but I guess that's what is going to happen. sigh.

I was planning to go to the gym at work today to do Day 1 of the C25K plan (Couch potato to 5k) but I took my workout clothes with me last night to go to yoga and didn't pack any to bring back to work. Looks like I'll have to start that tomorrow. I did walk the dog this morning so that's something I guess.

Day 1 (PM)

2009-06-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'm proud of myself today because:
I went to yoga class
I walked the dog twice!
I passed up some pita chips & hummus that someone brought to work because pita chips are wheat-based. I could have had the hummus but I didn't really need it so I just bypassed it all.

My daily give:
I actually had two today. I brought some headbands to work that I bought but couldn't use to give to a co-worker. She really appreciated having them. It clearly made her day! :)
I found some items on the ground yesterday. One of the items was a debit card so I googled the person, found her on Facebook and contacted her. I haven't been able to hand it off to her yet but she was very grateful.

My action step:
Packed my meals for work and ate only what I brought to work
I walked the dog twice to try to boost my exercise.

Tomorrow's action steps:
Pack snacks for work, buy salad for lunch
Eat only non-sugar, non-wheat snacks at the party I'm going to tomorrow night
Do week 1 of the C25K running program at the gym at work. Walk the dog in the a.m.

Day 1 of 30 (morning)

2009-06-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

Today I'm starting a 30-day coaching program with Jeanie Callen Barat. We're asked to journal things each day. Over the years of using email my typing has gotten better and my handwriting has gotten worse so I'm going to use this blog site I set up a couple of years ago to use as my journal through this 30 days.
On our first day we're asked to write something we're grateful for...my bunnies. I'm grateful for my bunnies every day. They just make my heart happy when I look at them. They are beautiful, loving, a little mischievous, and pretty quiet. This morning my boy bunny Linus was konked out sleeping on his side. It's a precious sight and it doesn't last long--his may last 15 seconds. Then he very quickly rolls over and is hyper alert, then he stre-e-e-e-tches his back legs and usually yawns (another precious sight!) and is awake again. Laying down on the floor to pet the bunnies makes everything feel like it's going to be okay.
We're also supposed to read our future testimonial to this program. The future testimonial is what we hope we would be saying on day 30 to Jeanie about how the program has helped us. Here's mine.

Date: July 4, 2009
From: Marjorie Old
To: Jeanie Callen Barat

Dear Jeanie,
I'm so grateful to be writing this letter to you. Grateful for the changes I'm already seeing in my life after just 30 days.
Thirty days ago I was eating foods that I knew were not healthy for me--foods that contain sugar and wheat. They made me feel anxious and irritable. Now I feel peaceful and calm. Thirty days ago I would visualize myself saying casually in conversation "I'm a runner" but I hadn't even been doing that much exercise. I'm now running in short, regular spurts and know that I'll reach my goal of running 5k all at once in a few more weeks. As a bonus of making these changes in my life I've dropped some pounds and know that more will continue to be released.
Thirty days ago I was running around crazy busy all the time. I was too busy doing the things I had to do that I wasn't doing the things I really wanted to do. Now I'm making more time for the things that bring me joy.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I started this 30 day trip, but I'm glad I took a chance. I'm glad that I went with my intuition when it said "Sign up. Don't stop and think about it. Do it now" and I did.
Namaste,
Marjorie

I'm in the Homestretch...

2008-03-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

...and I still feel great! I slept well. I had vivid dreams again--this time we were visiting my sister and I brought Stanley (one of my bunnies) with us. I was with someone but don't know who--maybe Aaron? We were trying to find a safe spot for Stanley and trying to make shift barriers to make a pen of sorts for her so she wouldn't roam all over my sister's house. That's all I can remember but it seemed very vivid at the time I was experiencing it.
I got on the scale again this morning and was down another 1/2 pound. It sure is nice to see the lower numbers. I was laying in bed and had my hand on my stomach--it felt much flatter. That felt really nice too. If nothing else I've created some great energy around being thinner because I've felt it.
Last night I was having cravings. I wanted an egg. Seems like an odd thing to crave huh? I eat an egg for breakfast everyday so my body is used to getting them--that could be it. I haven't eaten protein (except for the trace amounts in the veggies) since Thursday. I guess it's not that unusual. It probably didn't help that my husband heated up some hot wings for dinner so I was smelling that smell. It's not fair to ask him to not eat just because I'm not so I just dealt with it. I did ask him not to make popcorn though and he agreed that would be extra cruel. The hot wings were easier--even though they smell really good I don't really like them that much so I knew I wasn't missing much.
Today I juiced papaya, apple, pear, grapefruit, and a lime. I'll be going down to Miramar to meet up with SBF Donna for church and then a walk.

MY THOUGHTS ON JUICE FASTING:
I would totally do this again. I feel good. I've given some of the organs in my body an opportunity to clean house and then rest--my liver and gall bladder didn't have to work hard because I wasn't eating any fat and my intestines got a chance to clear out and rest. All this and I've had no ill effects. I've had the energy I needed to do everything. I've slept well. I didn't have any unmanageable headaches, gas, bloating, hunger pains, etc. Eating when I'm tired is something I've noticed that I do frequently, so this has been a good lesson. Food doesn't really give us more energy because it takes so much energy to digest it. That's why people get sleepy after a big meal--their body is using all the energy to digest. Next time I'm tired, I think I'll eat less and see how that works.

Halfway Done/ Day 2

2008-03-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Even though it's Day 2 of 3, I am halfway through if you break it down to hours since I stopped eating Thursday afternoon.
I feel really good this morning! I slept in which could be a factor of getting 5 hours of sleep for several nights earlier this week, of it being Saturday morning so there was no rush to get up, or of having less food in me. I don't feel super hungry. I had my glass of water and then started with juice.
I bought some frozen fruit to juice and it turns out that doesn't work well because even if you squash a frozen blueberry the juicy part is still frozen. (I was thinking more smoothie than juice when I was at the store) I tried defrosting the frozen fruit and that helped a little but still not very good. I'll need to go buy a bit more fruit today to get me through the weekend.
Yesterday I juiced--1 grapefruit, 2 apples, papaya, and some strawberries. Today I did 1 grapefruit, 1 apple, papaya, and some grapes.
Jeanie told me I might have some vivid dreams and I did. In one dream we were in a big auditorium and I was trying to find someone so we were climbing up the steep stairs and then when I got to the top and looked around the stairs were being moved--almost like in the Harry Potter movies except that instead of it looking magical, it was very mechanical. I could see men moving sections of seats & stairs around.
I didn't do this juice fast for immediate weight loss so much as to hopefully get some weight loss momentum started, but I feel thinner and lighter and the scale shows me 3 pounds less than yesterday. I can sort of see how the people who go on the liquid diets survive. I took in a lot less than 1000 calories yesterday and I'm okay!

24 Hours In

2008-02-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

I am 24 hours into the juice fast. I stopped eating at 4:30 yesterday. I am hungry and have a slight headache. I am pretty energetic though. I'm very grateful to be feeling as good as I am. At the same time I'm ready to eat something. I saw a commercial for Sargento cheese earlier and they had melty cheese hanging off a spoonful of something. It looked heavenly.
I can do this though. I am 1/3 of the way through. I don't hate this and I don't hate Jeanie (she said it was okay if I did--LOL).

Juice Fast Day 1 of 3 and an update

2008-02-29T11:43:00.000-08:00

You know how you wish you could go back in time to tell the 10-year-old-you some bit of advice that would make your life much easier--something you've learned since then that you wish you knew back then. Well, just looking at my blog posts from last year I wish I could go back and tell myself a few things.
Two months ago I rejoined CalorieKing. It's a great website for tracking calories and exercise, for chatting with a community of people in the same boat, and learning about nutrition and exercise. I knew that I wanted to lose weight and that was an intention I had set for myself for 2008 but I was still feeling the resistance of "I can't live happily on 1500 calories".
I prayed for willingness and decided that I'd get started trying and let the issues of resistance work themselves out.
The first month wasn't so good. I lost no weight.
Somewhere around the middle of January there was a weekly ezine from the Kabbalah center that talked about ego. It really hit home. I also got a newsletter from Louise Hay thanks to SBF Donna that listed the 12 Commandments of Loving Yourself. They were all great, but one in particular said to love even the negatives in your life because they came into your life to teach you something. So I began to see my weight as something that came to teach me something and not as the unfair "curse" that had fall upon me. For the past few years in the RLTWF program Kathy has said to try to love my body as it is now. I tried hard to do that and sometimes I could. This gave me a reason to love my body. Seems so simple, I know. I guess I was ready to truly "hear" it this time. The other thing that hit home from her newsletter was the negative self-talk that I do to myself. I didn't know how to stop it though. I decided to start scheduling in positive self-talk to help drown out the voice of that negative stuff. Everyday at 3pm my cell phone alarm goes off and reminds me to affirm that I am losing weight, that I eat healthy portions, and that my past (i.e. having been overweight my whole life) doesn't dictate my future.
I continued to pray for some sort of divine knowledge that would make this all easier. It came to me in the form of "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. "I have several books on my night stand to read" is what I kept telling myself. But the message was loud and clear "They'll still be there. Read this now." I'm glad I did. I can't even put into words very easily the awareness I came to by reading it. I realized that all that negative self-talk was my ego. The ego likes to keep things at status quo. Ego didn't want me to lose weight. So when I hear the negative self-talk I do as Tolle advises--I shine the Light onto that thought and it dissipates. The Ego can't bear to be in the Light. Now when I'm hungry (or at least think that I am) or some food looks tempting or I'm starting to think that I can't do this or I'm feeling sorry for myself, I can say "Hello Ego, I know that's you talking because the Light knows that's not true.
There were many other insights but that's a whole other blog in itself.

So my weight loss still hasn't been fast. I've lost 4 pounds and 1% body fat. But I'm finding it so much easier to stick to eating 1500 calories each day and exercising 150-300 minutes in a week. In fact some days I think "I gotta eat some more, I'm not at 1500 calories yet." I don't want to go too far below and then be hungrier the next day or reduce my metabolism.

This weekend SBF Donna and I are doing a juice fast led by Jeanie "The Fitness Jeanie". So far today (12:00pm) I have had about 32 oz of fresh made juice (2 apples, 1 cup strawberries, 1/3 of a papaya and a small grapefruit) diluted with distilled water. So already today I've had my liquid intake for the day 64 oz. I've stopped drinking fruit juice for now and will start with veggie juice in about 30 minutes. I ate my last meal at 4:00-4:30 last night so that I could end my fast Sunday for dinner and have a meal with my husband. I had raw food from Cilantro Live to get my body used to eating the raw veggies and fruits this weekend.

My intentions for doing this (Jeanie said we should set a clear intention) is to allow my body to detox to give me more energy, to get some weight loss momentum going, and to release any emotions that might be weighing me down

Right now (12:13 pm) I have a touch of headache and tiny bit of hunger twinge. I mentioned to Jeanie that my only concern for this weekend was getting a headache. She said not to concentrate on that because that's what I'd get. :\ Of course trying NOT to think about something makes hit harder to not think about it.
I'll update this post as I go today and add new posts this weekend.

Where Does This Leave Me Now?

2007-08-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

A few days ago SBF Donna checked in with me on how I was doing with tracking food and exercise. I had to say 'not so good'. My intentions are good. I want to track my food and exercise more. I know that it will lead me to weight loss and I want to lose weight. But I haven't "made the decision to do it"(as Oprah says). I want to but I haven't made it a priority. I realized that for the better part of this year I have been tracking my food, telling myself I should be tracking my food, or berating myself internally for not tracking my food. It's become disheartening to keep thinking "I should, but I'm not...I should, but I'm not..." It's created a lot of negative feelings around the whole thing. So with Donna's blessing I'm taking a break. Not like a Ross & Rachel "we're on a break" where I go crazy and do things I regret later. I just removed my notebook and CalorieKing book from my bag and am not telling myself I should do anything.
You would think that giving myself permission to not track food would let the thoughts drop from my thoughts. You would be wrong. I find myself still thinking "How many calories is that?", "I shouldn't have that. It's too fattening.", and "I should get to the gym today." The problem is still there in my head.
Brian said to me recently that I have always "sailed through life" because I have good things happen. Teresa (Donna's SBS) said "Has he read your blog?!" I had to laugh. Do I really seem that neurotic in this blog? LOL!! Maybe I need to send him the link. Brian is right that my life has been good, but I don't think it was handed to me. I've made sacrifices and smart decisions. I studied and worked hard in college rather than partying so I got out quick and didn't have debt to overwhelm me. I could have partied more, had a lower grade point average and taken out loans instead of working, but I chose something that I knew would make things better for me in the long run. I pay my bills on time. I save for my retirement. I pay a little extra and get the better insurance coverage at work. I don't buy every pair of shoes, purse or bit of make-up I see and like. I try to make decisions that I can live with.
And yet, when it comes to food and exercise I don't always make decisions that will make me feel good the next day.
Aaron said to me one time that I have a love-hate relationship with food. He's right. But how do you change that? How do I change the way I think about food?
I think I know how to change my way of thinking--by affirming the right thoughts regularly. The thing that has been stumping me the last few days is...what are the right thoughts?
Before I was saying "I eat 1500 calories a day and lose weight easily and effortlessly"
So do I now tell myself "Food is fuel"?
Or "I don't eat wheat, sugar, or fried foods" (that seems negative rather than affirming)
maybe "I eat what my body needs and stop"
I need to figure out what the healthiest way to think about this is and then reaffirm that to myself. And if I have to write "food is fuel" on my hand in ball point ink, then I will!

The Task at Hand

2007-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I went to see a lovely woman named Jacqueline Valdez in Encinitas. Amongst other things I asked her why she thought that I couldn't seem to lose weight even though I know what I need to do. What is blocking me?
She said that people in the West like to call things blocks but it's really just erroneous thinking. (I would consider that a block but I guess that's just a semantic difference) She said my problem is habits--not habits like eating a doughnut every morning or nibbling on chips at night, but habits in the way I think and act. She said I'm very task oriented and when I don't see progress I tell myself "This isn't working! This isn't working!" and sure enough it doesn't. If I were to read back over my blog I would probably have to say she's right. When there is something I want to accomplish I see the task at hand and get to work. When I decided to work on my Master's degree, I saw what had to be done and started to work. As I did a project or completed a test I was one little step closer. I saw progress little by little. When working on losing weight it takes some time for results to show up. But before they can I'm telling myself it isn't working.
This is a pretty ingrained thing with me. I don't know how to stop doing it. It's something that serves me well in most life situations. It got me through a Bachelor's and two Master's degrees. It helps me get things done at work and home. In general this is not something I want to change about myself. :-<
She told me to continue doing yoga--that it was really strengthening me and was good for me (I agree!) and she told me to stop worrying so much about losing weight. Easy for her to say! haha! On the upside she seemed to believe I'd get it together because she predicted I'd have a new body in 12 months.

In other news I feel extraordinarily bloated up like I gained 10 pounds. I try to tell myself that it's just bloat and not real weight, but it doesn't really matter because I can still feel my stomach get in the way when I'm doing twists in yoga class and my clothes are too tight or clingy. No matter what is causing it, it is uncomfortable and has been going on for a good week now.

Another Gem from Talking-It-Out with my SBF

2007-07-29T16:44:00.001-07:00

When Donna and I were talking through why I had once again let tracking calories and exercise fall to the wayside, I said (more like blurted out since I hadn't thought it through) that losing weight had temporarily become lower on my priority list because other things that were immediately present in front of me had taken a higher priority. I had things I needed to work on and weight loss would always be there.

Whoa.

Subconsciously I believe that I will always be combatting weight. I might get ahead at some point and get to my goal weight but I don't believe I'll stay there without continued effort. Now if you had asked me if I believed that I probably would have said "yeah" but no one had asked me that, I guess. I hadn't really thought about it. I watched my maternal grandmother constantly worry about her weight. I've seen my mother's weight go up and down over the years. I've pretty much been on a diet, thinking I should be on a diet, or beating myself up because I haven't been following my diet pretty much my whole life. I'd like to say I could get to my goal weight and stay there forever without any effort. I could say "My past doesn't dictate my future." Realistically I probably will have to be conscious of my eating and conscious of how much I've moved for a while. I hope to not have to count calories for the rest of my life, but I do need to be conscious of what I'm putting in my body. In our society where there is so much available to consume everywhere you go, it would be unhealthy for me to not be conscious of what and how much I put in my mouth. I look forward to the day that I am at my goal weight (which I've said is somewhere around 147 but after learning that Tyra Banks and Oprah weigh around 160 I may need to rethink that) and I meet a new friend or co-worker and they've never known me as an overweight person. After months of knowing me they see a picture of me from the past and can't believe it's me. Of course that will come after all the people who've known me in the past see me at my goal weight and can't believe it's me. :)

I've heard this idea several times lately and that always leads me to believe it's a message from the Divine Source.

If we don't treat the underlying source of a problem, it will continue to come back no matter how many cures we throw at the symptoms.

I'll let you know when I figure out what that means for me.

14 Day Recharge

2007-07-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone?
Time passes and I haven't exercised much and I haven't tracked my food much. Yes, I've had a few things happen--like passing out, getting a concussion, and not being able to exercise for almost 2 weeks because I would get dizzy--going on vacation, and being busy with other things.
This week in our Ancient Wisdom of New Thought class we learned about how it's important to have our virtues in check. For example, courage is good, but if there is too much then you go into foolhardiness and if you have too little then you stay in fear. Whatever virtue it is that I need for this is apparently not in balance right now. I can be obsessive about my weight and think of counting calories and exercising all the time. Or I can not care at all and not do anything differently. I have to find that middle ground. I have to find a way to live the Buddhist Middle Way. I need to be motivated enough to continue doing the work but not so crazy about my weight that I am disgusted or negative about myself. I explained this to Donna and she agreed.
We agreed that we're both feeling happy with where we've come so far. Donna had the great idea to do a 14 day recharge to see some results and get us motivated in a positive manner. The good then pulls us rather than the negative pushing us. I think that is healthier.
So we're going to check in with each other daily at a minimum and see some results over the next 2 weeks. Hopefully we get ourselves back in the habit and it'll be even easier to keep doing it.

I did it!

2007-07-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm taking it one day at a time. I ended my day yesterday with 1515 calories and a nice 30 minute walk with our new dog. That's not much exercise considering I had been doing much more, but it wore me out after resting and recuperating after a little medical emergency just a few nights ago (included fainting, hitting my head and a few hours in the ER that I don't really remember).

Where Have I Been? ;)

2007-07-05T12:29:00.001-07:00

I've been here...tracking my food most days, but missing some too. I want to track every day. So why do I miss days?
Lack of committment?
Lack of time?
Life getting in the way?
We could argue that any of those are true. I have found a way that seems to work for me--tracking in a notebook. I want to lose weight and I know that tracking my food is important to that. But that doesn't mean I like doing it.
Another issue that came to my mind while watching some Oprah episodes is that I have a belief that losing weight is a slow and hard process. But then I rememebered a quote that I have heard Mary Manin Morrissey say several times:

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

So if I changed the way I looked at tracking food and changed my thoughts on weight loss being hard and slow, then those things would change.
So that's what I'm focusing on right now.
Tracking my food and calories is fun--sort of a game!
Losing weight is easy! I just keep my calories at 1500 and exercise a few times a week and the weight just flies off!
There!

Finally Got Some Exercise!

2007-06-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

I finally felt up to exercise so today I walked for 45 minutes in the neighborhood. There are a few hills but I didn't get sweaty like I'd like to so tomorrow I'll be heading to 24 Hour Fitness.

Day 7

2007-06-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

I was super hungry yesterday! I haven't been sleeping well at night because I'm still coughing a lot so it could be a bit of tiredness causing it. I tried to eat real satisfying foods (like chili and a baked potato for lunch) but it wasn't quite enough.
Friday we are going to Vegas for 2 nights. We will have dinner Friday night with some friends but other than that have no food related plans. I plan to bring some things in a cooler just for me--cottage cheese, apple sauce, pre-cooked steel-cut oats for breakfast, and some of those single-serving size deli meat packs.
The deli meat packs are my new discovery. I've seen them before but never realized what a good idea they are. The packs I bought are under 100 calories each and were on sale this weekend. In general I don't buy a lot of things that come in single servings but especially for travel or packing for lunch at work I think these will become a staple on my grocery list.
I still haven't really felt up to exercise yet. I went for an hour long walk Friday night with SBF Donna but found that it caused me to feel like I was relapsing on my cold. I'll know when its right and in the meantime keep my eating under control and be gentle with myself.

Reeeeeeeewwwiiiiind! 90 Day Challenge Part 2, Take 3

2007-06-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Donna and I had both noticed that we weren't feeling real excited about the challenge and had let things slide a bit so we refocused and recommitted, but decided to continue with where we were in the challenge.
Then Monday I told Donna that I needed to recommit...and this time I wanted to start back at Day 1. I realized that we were over 1/3 of the way through and I hadn't been doing all that I knew that I could. So Tuesday (June 5) we restarted numbering and made plans over lunch the next day of how we would do things differently to assure our success. We're checking in daily with each other on how we're doing with exercise, tracking and sticking to calories. Today is day 3 and we're off to a good start! I feel better mentally already. Part of it is getting the "borderline" or "caution" foods out of me--chips, cheese and a glass of wine from last week's birthday celebrations. I think part of feeling good is physical because I'm not having cravings (in fact, I've noticed that I'm feeling hunger in my stomach before having hunger thoughts in my head--that's how I like it!). I think part of feeling good already is mental too. I know I'm back on track and in control and that feels good.
So it's Day 3 of the 90 Day Challenge 2.2 haha!

Thoughts During Meditation

2007-05-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was laying in Shavasana (corpse pose) in yoga class, several thoughts ran through my head. There are periods of time when life just seems to be running so smoothly--I'm counting my calories, I'm feeling thin, I'm exercising regularly, I feel at peace in my mind. The world just seems to be in technicolor durign those periods of time. Some might think that could be a boring time but I like having a regular schedule--as long as there is time for unscheduled, spontaneous fun things too. But then there is some special occasion--four days at a hotel for work, parents visiting for 5 days--that I get off track. I'm extra busy and a bit stressed from the event itself and then on top of that I don't eat like I should, I don't exercise like I should, I don't get to yoga as often as I'd like and then the world seems extra gray. {Or maybe this is all just a lack of sun due to the May Gray we're experiencing! haha!}
Today SBF Donna was telling me about how things are just blooming and opening up and that life feels wonderful. I so understand what she's talking about. I've experienced it. I was experiencing it not too long ago in fact! My physical body is so much happier when I keep to the guidelines of my 90 Day Challenges.
And so I wondered as I was laying there in Shavasana...should we not do those things like go on trips or have visitors? or do we forego some but not all of the activities of those events so that we can stick to our "plan" better? or do we just get through the event, then get back on track? I'm seeing that when I get off track because of an event it's extra work to get on track, I don't feel good during those times (physically or mentally), and I feel like I've lost a few days of joy and happiness. On the other hand, foregoing trips and having visitors doesn't sound enjoyable either. Those little things add spice to life. So I guess it boils down to sticking to my guns and giving up a few activities or meal items so I can stick to my calories and exercise plan. Shoot...I was hoping there would be an easier answer. ;)

It Is Amazing What You Can Do...

2007-05-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

when you have to/when you try/ when you just do it!!
Last weekend my 16 year old cat was diagnosed with diabetes. It's not uncommon in fixed, aged, male cats--especially overweight ones. And that's exactly what my Chester is--old, fixed, maled and overweight.
The thought of giving my cat or any living being a shot has always freaked me out. When I thought of the prospect of giving him insulin daily I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it. But I have! And it's okay. I had to do it. There was no option. My baby needed insulin so there was no excuse.
He already seems to be getting more energetic and happier.
It's amazing what you can do, when you just do it!

Another little challenge

2007-05-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday is my graduation. My parents are coming tomorrow. There is the potential to want to eat more than my daily calories, but being "on my own turf" will help. I need to make sure I'm getting my exercise though. I can't wimp out on that!

90 Day Challenge 2.1

2007-05-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

Donna and I both realized we had lost our commitment to the challenge. We talked through it last night and have re-committed to making this work. We tossed around the idea of starting over but I feel like this isn't about 90 days of perfection so I wanted to continue with our day count as is..and if we want to call it 2.1 then that's fine.
I got to the gym this morning and watched Charmed while I did the eliptical. It was touuuuugh getting moving! But I know that it won't take too many days before it feels normal again.

Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again...

2007-05-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

Did you see it coming? I just read my last post from a week ago and the statement that the difference between winners and losers in the game of losing weight is that the winners make a mistake and then get right back on it.
Let me explain...
I spent the last week with all of the people in my department at a nice hotel in downtown San Diego. This is seriously the best group of co-workers one could ask for. I don't know who or what created such an awesome sense of fun and cohesion but it's there! At meetings like this there is laughing and joking, pranks and kidding, drinking and eating. I exercised several times (more about that in a second) but I know it wasn't enough to balance the amounts that I ate. I managed to avoid the pressure to have drinks except on Thursday night when the girl across from me ordered a pomegranite martini and didn't want it...and then there was Tawny Port on the menu. I can't pass up a good tawny port. I haven't gotten on the scale yet and I seriously do not want to. I can feel that my tummy is bigger. I need to drink a bunch to help wash out bloating.
On the up side, I exercised several times and even ran some!!! I walked Monday night with SBF Donna, got up Tuesday morning and did a combination walk & jog at the harbor (probably jogged a total of 10 minutes on a 45 minute outing. Tuesday night I got on the awesome treadmill in the hotel gym. I did three minute intervals of walking and jogging--ending with a 3 minute walk. I did that again Wednesday. My ankle hurt so much though from a slight twist/sprain that I didn't do that Thursday or Friday thought. I was so excited that I was running as much as I did. I was walking at 3.4 mph and running at 5.0-5.5 mph on Wednesday. That is so cool! I was amazed with myself!
But now it's time to pick myself up, dust myself off and start again because I am a winner and fully expect that when I eat 1500 calories/day and get 4+ hours of sweaty exercise that it does work. The rest of that song puts it perfectly...
Nothing's impossible I have found, When my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again.
Don't lose your confidence if you slip, be grateful for a pleasant trip, (I am!)
And pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.
Work like a soul inspired, till the battle of the day is won
You may be sick and tired, but to be a [wo]man, [dear one].
Will you remember the famous [wo]men, who had to fall to rise again
So Take a Deep Breath, Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again...

P.S. Got a new haircut!

What Sets Apart Winners in the Losing Game

2007-05-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

I was watching some Oprah episodes this morning and saw one with Stacey Halprin--a woman who has been on Oprah off and on since the 1980's. She was over 500 pounds, had gastric bypass, lost over 400 pounds...and has realized that gastric bypass isn't an easy out. In this episode she said that she has realized what makes people winners in this game of losing weight. (She defines winners as people who keep the weight off for years) Winners have a binge occasionally but they go back to eating right in the next meal. A single binge doesn't make you weigh over 500 pounds...it's the weeks and weeks of binges that get you like that. It's not the single Oreo, it's the whole row of Oreos. For me I can't eat one Oreo so I eat no Oreos...but I still can apply this message to my life. It's not one day of going over 1500 calories or one week of not getting in my exercise that will keep me from losing 15 pounds in this challenge. It's giving up that will keep me from achieving my goal!
I loved Stacey's "a-ha" moment too. She had knee surgery and put on some weight because she hadn't been able to exercise. So after realizing she had put on 20 pounds she said to her mom "I need to eat less and move more." It sounds so simple..so "normal" but for someone who binges it can be a slippery slope that turns into more pounds. Stacey finally started thinking like a "normal" person!
Congratulations Stacey!

Sing Along with James Brown...

2007-05-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

"I FEEL GOOD....I KNEW THAT I WOULD NOW....I FEEEEEEEL GOOD!"
I so do. I think its a combination of eating better, going to some great yoga classes, the sun is shining, I'm over my cold, I'm not having cramps (first time in many, many months that I've been cramp-free), my graduation is in 2 weeks...and I feel a great knowingness that I will in fact lose 15 pounds during this 90 day challenge.
In just a few weeks I will be at the lowest weight my husband has ever seen on me. I wore a skirt yesterday that hadn't fit me in a while.
WAHOOOO!

Day 2 Deja Vu

2007-05-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

It seems a bit funny to be back at day 2, but here I am!
I'm adding two new tools (well, actually one is new and one is repurposed a bit) for my 90 Day arsenal.
One is a daily countdown calendar. I printed a sign on cardstock that says "90 Day Challenge 2.0" and then under it "Today is...". I got a clear sheet cover (the kind you use in binders), cut out the corner and glued it underneath there. I made little pieces of paper that say the date, the day# in the challenge and then an inspirational quote and slipped them in the clear pocked I had made. Each day I'll pull off the one from the day before. I saved a copy of the document with all the dates and inspiritational quotes so if anyone would like a copy, let me know. You'd just have to change the first date from May 1 to whenever you are starting a challenge and the other dates will change. I used a paper cutter so I didn't have to cut every square by hand. Here's an example:

The other is a tracking sheet that I made a couple of years ago. I had been tracking my food in the Excel sheet way back when but didn't lose much weight. I had forgotten about it until Donna reminded me so I went back to look at the old one. I can see the difference between what I'm doing now compared to what I did back then. First of all I was allowing myself more calories per day (anywhere from 1500-2000)and I was subtracting out calories from what I ate. So if I burned 600 calories, I'd subtract that from the total of what I ate and often "ate up my exercise". While I was looking over the document, I decided I'd start tracking that way again and not bother buying a new little notebook. I like how it adds up the numbers automatically and how easy it is to copy and paste things I eat regularly (like breakfast). If anyone would like a copy of a blank food tracking sheet in Excel, just let me know!

90 Day Challenge 2.0 Starts Today!

2007-05-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've been revving up this past week getting ready for today. My excitement is not quite like it was the first time around...it's actually better! When we started 1.0 (as I'll refer to it now) I had some fears and anxieties about it, but now that I know I lost 10 pounds in 1.0, I have no doubts! In fact, I'm setting the goal to lose 15 pounds this time!
To get prepared, I made some chicken curry and chopped up some salad, then packaged them in single servings (not together though!) I need to get a new little notebook today since I used up the one I used for 1.0 and can't seem to find the other one I bought.
I got up this morning at 5:25--5 minutes before my alarm--and went to the gym for an hour of eliptical and the Charmed ones.

Exercise 1/3 by May 6

Thoughts on the "Between Time"

2007-04-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

The 90 Day Challenge ended Friday and since then I've noticed some interesting things.

I've eaten a few things that I wasn't eating during the challenge--like french fries and cheese. I felt a little bloated..and not very energetic. Bleh. I'm not saying I'm never going to eat them again but it does make me stop and think about whether I really want to enjoy the taste of the food for a short period of time when I'm going to feel icky for a few hours after it.
I haven't been able to exercise in over a week because I've been sick. I went back today and was proud to be able to do a full hour of the eliptical. I hadn't slid back in my stamina in the last 10 days. That's awesome!
Though I'm not writing down my calories or measuring everything, I'm still eating most of the things I ate during the challenge and still measuring some of it. I've been measuring the Silk milk and creamer that I put in my coffee. I still pull out the scale to measure my cottage cheese or yogurt. I'm still measuring my egg beaters and oatmeal. Good habits I think.

I read an article recently where people were polled about whether it was more important to eat the right foods or eat the right portions to lose weight. (Interestingly, these two ideas are behind the two options on Weight Watchers--you can either count points or you can eat from a list of healthy foods). Most people said to eat the right foods is more important. But the correct answer was eating the right portions. I agree. If you are counting your calories you'll probably eat the healthier foods because they generally have fewer calories. And you can eat too many calories if you are eating healthy foods.

90 Days....10 POUNDS!

2007-04-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 90. I wanted so bad last week to get to 10 pounds by today. Then I got sick over the weekend and haven't been able to exercise all week. I did go to yoga last night, but haven't felt up to doing an hour on the eliptical. Today I got on the scale to get my final 90 Day weight loss...and the scale said 10 POUNDS, Baby!
I was pleasantly surprised needless to say. :)

So next Friday Donna and I will have Ethiopian--but we don't want to over do it because we don't want to undo what we've worked so hard to accomplish--and then we'll start back with our goals of weighing/measuring and tracking our food and exercising on May 1.

See you on May 1!

Only 4 Days Left...

2007-04-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

and don't you know I'm not feeling well. :( I had grand ideas of getting to the gym yesterday and each day until Friday to try to get to my 10 pound goal. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, stopped up ears, and ZERO energy. I stayed home from work today. I think I'm feeling well enough that tomorrow--after a good night of sleep--I can get back to the gym.

Exercise 0/4 by 4/22 :(

One Week Left

2007-04-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

A week from today is our last day on the challenge. Donna and I have agreed to start back on May 1. That gives us 10 days to eat Ethiopian food and get mentally prepared for another 90 Day Challenge. My goal is to get to 10 pounds total by next Friday. I'm at 8.5 now. I think if I keep up my exercise through the weekend to burn some extra calories I can make it.
I've had two really good nights in a row of yoga. My arms and shoulders are really looking good! :)

Exercise 4/0 by April 15

Day 80!

2007-04-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

When I wrote in my notebook that today is Day 80 I couldn't believe it! Only 10 days left! Wow!
Donna and I have already discussed that we are going to take a break of a week or so and then probably start again. We haven't picked a start date yet. Donna has kicked butt! I'm hoping to get to a 10 pound loss by April 20. I'll be happy with that.
I got to the gym this morning. It was slightly easier to get up this morning, but it's going to take a few more days of getting up at 5:30 for that to feel easy again.

Exercise 2/2 by April 15

Getting Back on the Horse

2007-04-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

After 4 days of not getting up at 5:30 a bomb couldn't have gotten me out of bed yesterday. Last night I told Aaron that I had to get up this morning and go to the gym. He took that to mean HE had to get me out of bed. When I was little my mom used to turn on my light, throw wet washclothes at me, and bang pots to get me out of bed. It didn't get me out of bed; it annoyed me. So today when Aaron tickled me you can guess how effective that was. Despite his (ahem) good intentions, I laid there a few more minutes and then finally said to myself "If you don't just get up it'll never get easy." so I got up. And when it was over I was glad I went. I watched Charmed (They got a TV back on TNT!) and did an hour on the eliptical.

Exercise 1/3 by April 15

Bunny Day!

2007-04-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

We had a very nice day with Aaron's brother and sister in law today. They are getting ready to travel around the world for 6 months. I'm so envious. Of course I could not leave my bunnies, chickens, cat, and dog for 6 months. I miss them after a long weekend!
Got in 45 min on the elliptical afterwards to finish out my exercise for the week

exercise 4.5 Done!

Good Thing I Got Some Exercise Yesterday...

2007-04-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Because other than that I haven't accomplished a whole lot in the last 24 hours. I watched a couple of movies (think I fell asleep during one), made some curry chicken (guess I could call that an accomplishment), and slept. My body made it clear in no uncertain terms that today was to be a day of rest. Unfortunately my body doesn't realize I have school work to do!

Exercise 3.75/.5 by tomorrow!

If You Can't Understand What "Clean" Feels Like...

2007-04-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

Today as I was driving home from the vet with my poor little sick bunny I noticed that the Wendy's near my house has a big sign for some new coke float type thing. The sign made it look really inviting and made me think back to the days when I first started considering the idea of giving up sugar and wheat. I remember thinking "But I'll never be able to eat apple pie again?" Kathy said (wisely) that it didn't mean I had to give it up forever; I should get clean and then see if I still wanted apple pie. Well, I was sure that I would still want apple pie!
I don't. I don't even want that coke float thing at Wendy's. If you don't understand it or can't fathom it, then just try it. Try it for a few months. Set up a time frame of a few months at least. Tell yourself that when its over you can eat (fill in the name of a treat here). Then see how good it feels to be completely free of the foods that make you want to eat more--the foods that you can't eat just one. When you're done, if you go back and eat those trigger foods, you'll kick yourself. You'll be grouchy and irritable, probably a little bloated, and probably experiencing some other physical symptoms.
Most of us haven't had the experience of being fantastically rich, but we'd like to try it out, right? Well, I've never been rich but I have to think being clean from trigger foods is even better.

Exercise 2.75/1.25 by April 8

Mens Sana in Corpore Sano

2007-04-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

A Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body!
I saw this phrase this morning for the first time in a Dole Nutrition Institute Newsletter (if you like reading about the latest news in nutrition I highly recommend it!). That is exactly what I am striving for! I want a healthy body but not at the expense of my mind. And I want a healthy mind, but not at the expense of my body. I've read in several places lately that taking care of our body as we age by exercising a few times a week keeps our mind from developing the dementia that often comes with aging. Older people can even reverse a certain level of dementia by starting to exercise a few times a week. Our bodies really are resilient.
On the other hand, our bodies do still let us know when we are doing something to it that's not good. A few days ago I had a splitting sinus headache and stopped-up nose so I took a Claritin-D. I was in this angst kind of mood all day like I just wanted to rip someone's head off. I hadn't taken it in so long that my body was shocked by it. Donna said that when she started drinking caffeinated coffee again after drinking decaf that her body reacted strongly too. And yet when we regularly consume these items our bodies seem fine. My guess is that it really isn't. That it puts up barriers to these things. We don't realize it until we remove them from our system, our body goes "Whew!" and tears down those walls, and then we consume it again and our bodies go "ACK!" When I tell people I don't eat sugar or wheat they say "It doesn't bother me" but I bet for at least some of them, if they'd get it out of their system and then eat it again they'd notice their body reacting...and likely their mind reacting too!

My husband weighed his ham this morning when he was making his sandwich. I had to laugh because that's what I do every morning--weigh out the food I'm eating. I guess I've rubbed off on him. He says he doesn't mind that I've rubbed off on him because he's "gonna drop weight like a stone"--whatever that means.

Exercise 1.75/2.25 by April 8
Still no Charmed at the gym today. :( I asked again but I guess a few people asked for local news. Well, what about the people who don't want to watch news!?

Today's Top Stories

2007-04-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

In today's news...

Donna lost another 3 pounds. Woo! Woo! Yay Donna! You kick butt!

I lost 1 pound....for a total of 8.5 now.

My husband Aaron decided over the weekend that he wants to lose 13 pounds to get to his "fighting weight" by his 40th birthday on May 31. I helped him figure out how many calories he needs to maintain and that he needed to have about a 5000 calorie per week deficit to lose 1.5 pounds a week for the next 8 or so weeks. He's eating 1500 calories a day too. Saturday (his first day) he got to the end of his day with only 140 calories left for dinner. I made a small stir fry with no oil, a serving of scallops and several veggies. He did quite well. He has an addictive personality, but when he sets his mind to something he has more will than a lot of people.

I went to the gym today and there was no Charmed! The TVs had been changed so that people could watch games yesterday (I guess) so there was no TV on TNT. I know that "this is my mouth and I ask for what I want" so I asked someone to change it. He couldn't. :( So I watched CNN while I exercised--not nearly as enjoyable--and asked on my way out to leave a note for the manager to change in when she arrived.

Exercise 1/3 April 8

Ups and Downs

2007-03-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

I knew I hadn't posted in several days but I didn't think it had been since Monday!
I was thinking last night on my way home from work how my excitement for the 90 Day Challenge has waned a bit. There are no negative feelings or anything. I think it's just hard to stay excited about something everyday for 90 days straight. Life happens along the way and takes precedence. I often write my blogs from work and work has been really busy. And I think my mind is less focused on it because its become sort of a habit. That's a good thing. :)
I got to the gym Mon, Tues and Wed morning. I had a good workout in yoga today but I'm going to get to the gym today to get some real sweaty exercise.

Exercise 4/0 by Apr 1

9 Weeks Done!

2007-03-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

Time is flying by! We're in week 10. April 20th will be here before we know it. Donna and I have agreed that after we have enough time to go eat Ethiopian one night we'll start up a new challenge period. We love Ethiopian food but how on earth do you figure calories on it?
Donna's big milestone today has me so pumped up! See Donna's blog
This past week or so I've noted that I haven't been as good about tracking my food. My life had gotten crazy around my Comp Exams and work and then I took my notebook and handy-dandy Calorie King book out of my purse. Today life is settled back down and my book and notebook are back in my purse!

Exercise 1/3 by April 1

2007-03-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Update on exercise--I had a real sweaty yoga class Thursday night (still feel muscle achyness from that night) went to the gym Friday morning for an hour, and then had another good work out in yoga Saturday morning. So I'm going to say I got my full 4 hours in for sure! I'll probably still get some exercise later today too.
Again this week I've had days that I haven't been tracking my food so well on paper. I know in my head what I eat but that can be dangerous (especially with the way my memory has been lately! HaHa!). I'll start carrying my notebook in my purse again to help keep me on track.

Exercise: done!

Day 60! 2/3 of the Way

2007-03-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've had such a busy week that I hadn't even noticed how many days along we are. I checked my calendar today and realized this is day 60. We're two-thirds of the way through!! I can't believe it.
This morning I was thinking again how much I really like the way I feel after I exercise in the morning. I admit I don't so much like the way I feel at 5:30 when my alarm goes off and it's still dark though! haha!!
My weight loss hasn't been quite what I'd like it to be or what I thought it might be, but I am feeling thinner and my clothes are fitting better and that's awesome!

Exercise 2/2 by March 25

I Never Realized How Neurotic I Can Be

2007-03-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

I'm doing much better now, but this morning I was back to being a wreck again. After I sent off my exam I felt anxious and nauseated again. I started having fears about not passing. It's ridiculous, I know, but I have had these feelings of it not being good enough today. I keep telling myself "God, it's in your hands now. Bring me peace." and it's gotten much better. I still feel a bit of tightness in my neck and upper back but I think if I can just concentrate on feelings of peace I'll be okay.
On the upside, I woke up at 5:15 this morning to work on my test some more so tomorrow when I want to wake up at 5:30 to exercise I should be able to!

Exercise 0/4 by March 25

Got My Exercise in for the Week

2007-03-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

I got to the gym for an hour yesterday and today after working on my exam. I'm relieved to be done with my exam and with my exercise for the week!

Exercise 0/4

Ready to Get Back to Normal

2007-03-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days I've felt so tired that I couldn't get out of bed to go to the gym before work. I wanted to. I set my alarm. My body just said "no." I've been terribly stressed out by Master's exam coming up. I felt it emotionally and physically this week. Today I'm feeling much better. Actually, as soon as I got the exam yesterday, read through the questions, and saw that they were all questions I felt I could answer, my headache (that had been going on for like 4 days!!!) finally went away. Hallelujah!
Today I did yoga (it was pretty active!), came home and wrote the first 1/2 of my exam. I feel good about what I've written and I'm feeling pretty energetic so I think I'll head out to the gym pretty soon! :)

Being Tired Often Means Being Extra Hungry

2007-03-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

I have still not adjusted to daylight savings time. I couldn't fall asleep until 11 again last night but still woke up at 5:30 to go to the gym. I'm extra hungry today. I know that is a physiological response and that my leptin, ghrelin and neuropeptide Y hormone levels are off because of a lack of sleep and its not that my body needs more fuel...but still, it's hard to not eat more!

Exercise 2/2 by Mar 18

Life Has a Way of Getting in the Way!

2007-03-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy with work, school and just life in general that I haven't been documenting my calories really well the last several days. There are several days where I get breakfast entered and that's it...or breakfast and lunch..and one day where I never got anything entered. I feel confident that I'm staying in the 1500 range because I'm eating similar things most days. Life will settle down a bit very soon. I have my exam for the Master's degree this weekend and that will be a load off my mind.
In other news, despite the change in time I managed to get myself out of bed this morning at 5:30 and got to the gym. It helps that I keep my cell phone in the living room and that's the alarm I use to wake up!

Exercise 1/3 by March 18

7 Weeks & 7 Pounds

2007-03-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

I weighed this morning and I am below 200, just as I predicted. :) 199.5!
I couldn't get out of bed to exercise this morning. I'm a little bummed about it, but I'm trying to be gentle on myself about it. I really detest Daylight Savings Time and will jump on my soapbox about it at a moment's notice. How I feel today is a big part of my argument against it. {Let's just move our clocks forward all year long rather than jumping back and forth} With my written exam coming up for my Master's degree this coming weekend I can't afford to wait until then to get exercise so tomorrow through Friday I've got to get up and go to the gym!
I'm usually good about keeping good levels of healthy food around the house, but I'll need to be conscious of that before the weekend too. Having to buy produce regularly for the bunnies gets me to the grocery store or the produce/organic market twice a week.
On a side note about food--some people might think that eating healthy food is more expensive, but since I weigh out everything I eat I eat less at a time and I'm sure it all balances out cost-wise.

I Truly Feel Thinner

2007-03-10T10:58:00.000-08:00

I can tell that the "inner tube" above my waist is shrinking. It's more of a bump than an inner tube. Yay!
By next week my weight will be below 200 again. It's been a few years since my weight started with a 1. I was thinking last night how it won't be long until I'm at the lowest weight in 7 years--the lowest weight that my husband will have ever seen me. I think 193 is the lowest he's ever seen me at. He'll be seeing me BELOW that before too long!
I did an hour on the eliptical this morning. I felt more like sweating than doing yoga today. Maybe I'll do yoga tomorrow!

Exercise 5/0

Half Way Done!

2007-03-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

I almost didn't realize it, but yesterday was Day 45. We're half way through the 90 Day Challenge!!!!
The thought of the challenge being half over is almost a little sad. This 90 Days has been an opportunity to get to know a few things about myself, to share in a project with my SBF, and to kick my health into high gear!
Last night I watched a recorded Oprah show from a few weeks ago. In this episode they introduce 6 people who will be on Bob Greene's "Your Best Life" program to lose weight. Oprah told one of the women that even though she thinks that everything is peachy because she has a boyfriend (her husband had left her) she is fooling herself--that there is something else bothering her or she wouldn't still be fat. Oprah was a little bit forceful in the way she told her and the woman didn't quite believe it but she agreed to do some digging to determine what was bothering her.
I've come to realize that as much as I want to lose weight and experience what being thin is like that there is still some fear of success. I sabotage myself sometimes. I sometimes look at a food and think "I shouldn't have that. I should just walk away" but then I'll think "So what, eat it anyway." That is the monkey mind talking I'm sure. (Some may call it Delilah, but I don't really care for that analogy. I feel that calling it by such a formal name gives it power.)

Is it a fear that I still won't feel "good enough"?

Is it a fear of success? Marianne Williamson says that our greatest fear isn't that we won't succeed but that we will succeed. (Speaking of Marianne Williamson, I also learned last night that she officiated Bob Greene's wedding!)

Crazy as it sounds I think it's more a fear of success. In some ways I feel like I'm on the cusp of having everything in the world I could want and if I attain this then I have to do something even bigger next. Anyone who knows me knows that my problem is doing too much, not too little! I logically know that if I have this covered I can move on to better things--like learning Spanish, doing more henna painting, striking out on my own doing instructional design work, eventually getting a PhD, maybe even doing some running! There are plenty of things that I'd LIKE to do that not having to focus on my weight will free up mental power and time.

One last thing from last night--Oprah called herself a professional dieter in her 30's and I think I am one as well. My husband once told me that I have a love/hate relationship with food. I thought he was nuts at the time, but he's a smart bear. :)

Exercise 4/0 by Mar 11 I've got my 4 hours in, but I'll still get up at 5:30 tomorrow!

Would You Sell Your Soul to Look Young?

2007-03-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

My birthday is less than 2 weeks away and I've been thinking a lot about aging as I close in on 37 and my husband is getting close to 40. I noticed having trouble focusing on my cat's face the other day to inspect a spot next to his nose. I wonder if that is the beginning of my eyes aging or just eye strain from looking at a computer for a chunk of my day. I know I don't feel old, but time passes whether we like it or not.
On Charmed today a woman asked the Charmed Ones to help her banish this demon who offers youth to people in exchange for their souls. She had no trouble selling her own soul but as soon as she did she immediately regretted it and tried to protect others from doing the same. I think I'll stick with exercising, eating well, using a good eye cream (does anyone know of one?), using moisturizer on my face, neck, and décolletage, and keeping my mind alert by trying new things.

Exercise 3/1 by Mar 11

Everything I Learned About Life I Learned from Charmed

2007-03-05T15:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe not ;) but I have learned some interesting things.
When the Charmed Ones got their powers Prue noticed that her powers came up when she was angry. At first it was a bit willy-nilly and things would go flying off store shelves. Later she learned to control it better and use the anger in a controlled way. I feel like I've been doing that the last few days after I got angry at the monkey mind/self-talk that was holding me back. I've channeled my anger in a positive way so that nothing is going to stop me!
In another episode of Charmed an ancestor came from the past and taught the girls to use Love as their true power. If we do everything from Love we have infinite power!

Exercise 1/3 by Mar 11

Finishing Up Exercise for the Week

2007-03-04T19:00:00.000-08:00

My yoga class yesterday wasn't super active/sweaty so I didn't count it towards exercise for the week. I got in 30 minutes on the treadmill tonight after shopping with Donna to give myself a full 4+ hours.

Exercise 4/0

6 Weeks, 6 Pounds!

2007-03-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

Today ends 6 weeks of the challenge. We are almost 1/2 way through! I got on the scale today and I am down 6 pounds now. I see the second half of the challenge being even more successful than the first. :)

Squeaking in Exercise

2007-03-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

The only downside to doing my exercise in the morning on a regular basis is that I don't have the energy to do it later in the day on the other days.
I managed to do 45 minutes on the eliptical...barely!

Exercise 3.75/.5 by Mar 4

Another Awesome Daily Word

2007-03-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

The March 1st Daily Word was so perfect for how I'm feeling this week.

I am a courageous and strong creation of God.
I may wonder, if life never offered challenges, how would I ever discover the depth of my courage and skills?
In truth, I have all that I need to meet any circumstance. I have the ability to respond to life’s situations with poise, grace, and wise action. And I do this in all matters by including prayer as my daily practice.
As I still my body and mind in quiet times of contemplation, I breathe gently and easily. I remember the truth about me: I am divine in nature. Whole in mind and body, I have all the spiritual faculties needed to triumph in any situation.
Taking a full, deep breath, I return my attention to my surroundings. I am a courageous and strong creation of God.
“David said further to his son Solomon, ‘Be strong and of good courage, and act. Do not be afraid or dismayed; for the Lord God, my God, is with you.’”—1 Chronicles 28:20

The second line really hit me because even though I've stated this same idea a few times recently I hadn't really thought about how it pertains to me right now. It is the challenges in life that mold us, that make us stronger, and that make us who we are. The truly amazing part is that I have the ability to handle it and triumph through it! I am strong. I can get through this. But like any challenge, I have to keep persevering if I want to get through the other side.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn't as far away as I thought! :)

I'm Mad and I'm Not Listening Anymore!

2007-03-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

Call it Delilah, monkey mind, the dark side, the voices in your head...whatever! I'm tired of it and I'm not listening anymore. I've been letting it have too much power over me and my mood lately...and now I'm just mad! I'm not listening anymore. Watch out monkey mind! Watch out fat on my stomach! I'm not putting up with this anymore. I AM getting thinner. Right this minute! I am! I'm not doing this 90 Day Challenge because I think blogging and writing down everything I eat is fun (though it's sort of like a game so it is a little fun). I'm doing this challenge because I want to experience a thin, strong, healthy body and doggonit. I'm going to experience it!
As the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Well the monkey mind has scorned me and now I'm not going to take it anymore.
These are my fingers...they're in my ears...."lalalalalalalalalala...I can't hear you!"

Exercise 3/1 by Mar 4

Something Caught My Eye This Morning

2007-02-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

I like to read the Daily Word which is a publication of Unity. When there is one I really like I tear it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror. Today as I was getting dressed a line popped out of this one from March 28, 2006.

I let go and let God be God in my life.
There may be a time when I wonder why I am not making progress toward some goal I feel is meaningful only to discover I'm the one creating the resistance. When I stop blocking my good by the way I think and act, I let go and let God be God in my life.
Releasing all concerns to God, I acknowledge that what I am seeking is already present. I realize that God's good is in each and every area of my life. One with God's power, I receive revelation after revelation of the blessings that are waiting for my loved ones and me to accept.
I marvel at the wondrous power of God--the Holy Presence that is all-knowing, all- powerful, and ever-present. God is not just a power. God is the One Power.
"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other." --Isaiah 45:22

The line that popped out at me was "I acknowledge that what I am seeking is already present." In a way that makes total sense to me because I often have a sense that the weight, the fat is not part of me. It's like some lychen or fungus growing on tree (me) so the thin me exists underneath it. And yet in another way I can't imagine it as being true in this moment at all.
My mind has been playing a lot of games with me lately. I started to think that it was all the focus of the 90 Day Challenge that was bringing this up but I think my head has played these games with me before. I feel like I am such a strong woman... and yet I can't stop these games from going on inside my head. It's very frustrating and I often think that maybe it's just time to stop trying to lose weight.

What Does It Take?

2007-02-27T12:52:00.000-08:00

Monday morning has sort of become my weigh in day since we started the 90 Day Challenge on a Monday. As of Sunday night we've completed 5 weeks. Sort of amazing how time is flying by.
As of yesterday I was back at a 5 pound weight loss. Now, you may be thinking "I thought you got to 5.5 pounds a few weeks ago" and you would be right! But then it bounced up and down a bit for a couple of weeks. Today I'm back at 5. I was reading the blog of a male who is a food addict on the HOW diet (the diet that OA members often go on) and he was losing multiple pounds each week and had the nerve to whine about it. I understood the feeling, but had no sympathy for him! ;) Over the past few weeks of minimal to no weight loss I've wondered if this is just how my body works or if I'm not doing enough. Do I need to drop to 1200 calories to see much weight loss? I've even wondered if I did one of those liquid diets where you drink a few shakes a day or if I ate the Nutri System food that I keep seeing advertised if that would do it. (Relax, I'm not considering it! I said I was wondering.) Or no matter what I do, is it going to be a pound or less a week and that's it? I'd really like to know "What does it take?" Between the slow weight loss and the peri-menopause I'm experiencing at 36 years old (according to what a co-worker is telling me) I feel like my body is working against me rather than with me. I hear that when you turn 40 you stop worrying so much about that sort of thing. Maybe so, but I'm not 40 yet!

Why I Don't Do Exercise in Classes

2007-02-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had jury duty. When I didn't get selected for a jury and was allowed to go home I thought I'd get in some exercise at the gym (1 hour on the elliptical machine) and then thought how nice it would be to go to a yoga class on Monday night. I looked up the schedule at my local yoga studio (which I love!) and saw that there was an Ashtanga Yoga class at 6pm. I've never gone to an Ashtanga Yoga class but it talked about doing Sun Salutations and I've done them so I figured "I can do this!" I introduced myself to the teacher and I chatted a little with some of the regulars. Class started off with a long chant in what I assume is Sanskrit. I had no idea how the chant went so I just stood with my hands at my heart like everyone else and listened. Then she started instructing the class but gave the pose instructions using Sanskrit names. There are variations to Sun Salutations so I had to look around the room to see what to do. By the time I'd recognize what to do and go to that pose they had already gone on to two more. I felt lost but continued to try for 20 minutes to keep up. I finally decided to exit. I picked up my mat while everyone was in downward facing dog and started to quietly leave. I whispered to the teacher "I'm out of my league, I should go." She kept trying to talk me out of leaving but by that point there was NO WAY I was staying. It was already embarassing to leave early (the woman who teaches the class I go to on Saturdays was there) but it was humiliating to stand there while she was trying to talk me into staying because now everyone is looking at us instead of continuing. It would have been mortifying to put my mat back down and continue screwing up!! I was so sad when I walked to the car I started crying. I love yoga and I love my yoga center so it was sad to feel embarassed and inadequate because of an experience there.
It reminded me of why I don't go to aerobics or kick boxing classes. I tried to go to a kick boxing class at 24 Hour Fitness a few times but felt stupid and awkward and left everytime. Donna has mentioned that people have attempted to attend the Step 2 class at her gym and they get frustrated and leave and how that affects the energy of the room.
In all of these cases, what are the instructors doing to help out the newbies? In my experience, they aren't doing much. Last night the instructor did nothing until I got frustrated enough to leave and then tried to talk me into staying. She knew I had never been to her classes before, but said "I didn't know this was your first Ashtanga class." In my kickboxing classes, the instructor just started teaching. She didn't ask if anyone was new and have them come to the front to be closer to her or pair us up with a seasoned person. Apparently, it's sink or swim. And if you don't learn to tread water on your own, no one is going to help you out either.

There are several things that teachers can do.
1. Ask if anyone is new.
2. If there are new people, quickly describe the level of difficulty and/or prerequisites.
3. If there are new people who decide after that to stay, put them near the front, near the teacher or near a seasoned person to follow.

The new person has to put in the effort to attend and is responsible for giving it a good try, but the teachers have a responsibility to do what they can to make their students succeed. If they don't and their class attendance wanes, they have no one to blame but themselves.

Until things change, I think I'll stick with my Hatha yoga class where the teachers give instructions in English and get my sweating in on the elliptical machine.

Exercise 1.75/2.25 by March 4

Sometimes I'm Just Amazed That...

2007-02-25T15:20:00.000-08:00

...I can eat good, healthy food and then just enjoy myself and not be hungry for hours! On my way up to Pasadena yesterday to see Christy I had a snack of 1/2 cup yogurt and 1 cup strawberries. (One of the ones I prepackaged last Monday and didn't eat Friday since I was home. As a side note, you'd think that yogurt and strawberries would thaw out quickly sitting on a black dashboard in the sun, but it doesn't.) Once I got there I wasn't super hungry so we shopped for a bit (Hit all my favorite stores:Lush, Bath & Body Works, Sephora, and DSW!)ate about 2:30, and then shopped some more until 5:30. We watched a movie and even though Christy's boyfriend was cooking a tasty smelling pea & ham soup I wasn't hungry at all. I left at 8:30 and I was fine. I had eaten two meals and one snack and had a lot of fun all around that. I'd like more of that please!

Donna and I heaved some weights around at the gym today after the service at The Unity Center. We tried out this new machine that uses ALL your back muscles and even engages the upper abs. I think it's my new favorite machine!

I'm making Arhar Dal Masala as my bean meal for the week. It smells heavenly! I'm going to make up yogurt fruit cups and salad too. I have jury duty tomorrow (notice I'm not saying "all week" because I'm seeing tomorrow as being my only day!) so I'll pack up some snacks and the new Jean Picoult book for the day.

Exercise 4.5/0

Taking a Break

2007-02-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I got most of my exercise in early this week (I need to do a half hour to make up the last 15 minutes of my 4 hours because I'm only counting exercise if it's in 30 minute increments). I didn't feel great yesterday so I gave myself a break. Today I was tired from a late night out listening and dancing to Michael Franti & Spearhead with my husband, SBF Donna, and father-in-law, so I skipped yoga class. Tomorrow Donna and I are planning to do weights after church so I'll get in the last bit of exercise. No problemo!
Today I'm going to see a friend of mine in Pasadena. We'll have lunch together at one of the many great places in Old Downtown Pasadena so I'll have to be careful about what I eat and where we go. No martinis like we usually have either! Oh well. It'll still be a fun day!

Manifesting My Dream

2007-02-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

I subscribe to several e-zines and daily insight email lists. This is an excerpt of one I got today from James Ray (of "The Secret" and recently a two-time guest on Oprah's show).

Manifest your vision the same way you manifest your new mindset... by using your willpower to focus on it exclusively and with laser-like intensity. The more frequently you do so, the more quickly it will manifest.
If you want more rapid results, practice this visualization when you first wake up and just before going to bed as well. If you want your vision even more quickly, add a visualization around midday. Wherever you are, just let yourself relax.
Begin to see, hear and feel yourself in your vision. Bring up your picture and run the video all the way though. Make it bigger, better, brighter and more fun each time you see it. Let your feelings become more intense. The more vividly you imagine your vision and the more frequently you do so, the more quickly it will come to you.
Take action toward your vision each day. Walk, talk and think as if it were already yours. Do not concern yourself with tomorrow. Give 100% to every action today that will move you toward your vision.

Sometimes it is hard to think and act as if I am already thinner, stronger, and healthier, but I do get these glimpses of it and it feels great. I'm trying to extend the length of those glimpses until it is happening more than it's not. There are several visions I like to get in my head: putting on my current clothes and they are tons too big; putting on a black suede skirt I bought back when I was early 20's(and have held onto ever since determined to wear it again) and it fits; walking on the beach with my husband wearing a white sundress, full of energy and doing lots of laughing with each other; standing in the bathroom with just my underwear on and my husband coming up behind me and wrapping his arms ALL the way around me (it's actually a little more R rated than that, but you get the idea). These are just some of the visions. I need to do it more often and continue adding more scenarios.

I love how James Ray said on Oprah last week (and alludes to in this paragraph above) that you have to do more than just sit and think about it. You have to ACT! Some people want to think themselves into a situation. You can visualize all day long that you are going to get a new job, but if you aren't telling people you are looking, checking out monster.com, and cleaning up your resume it's not going to happen. You have to take responsibility too. You do your part and leave the rest up to Spirit. You don't put the entire burden on Spirit's shoulders.
So I'm taking action by getting my behind out of bed at 5:30 to exercise(which feels better and more natural everyday let me tell ya!) and I'm documenting what I'm eating.

Exercise 3.75/.5 by Feb 25

Day 31--Officially 1/3 of the Challenge Complete

2007-02-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

This morning it was so much easier to get up and go to the gym. For some reason Wednesdays are a really busy day--the parking lot was more full and there were more people on the machines. I guess all those people who put off going Monday and Tuesday start to feel bad by Wednesday.
About 15 minutes before I was done exercising a woman got on the machine next to me. Apparently she had not brushed her teeth and still had bad morning breath. Probably not a big deal except that when you are exercising you breathe harder!! Brush your teeth or at least hit the Listerine strips before going to the gym, please!
Okay, I'll step down off my mouthwash box. ;)

Monday I did something that is really turning out helpful this week. I made salad and then divided it into 4 Ziploc bowls; I measured out beans into 4 bowls; and I measured out 1/2 cup of yogurt and 1/2 cup frozen fruit in 4 more bowls. So for lunch each day I just picked up my 3 bowls and threw them in my lunch bag. I read somewhere recently that dieters who eat the same thing everyday for 1 or 2 meals do the best at weight loss. Yay!
I usually eat a full cup of yogurt but I thought cutting back to 1/2 a cup with fruit for a snack would save 70 calories and it's still plenty filling!

Exercise 3/1 by Feb 25

It Might Be Mardi Gras, But It's Not "Marji Gras"

2007-02-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Mardi Gras is French for fat Tuesday, but I'm not feeling like Fat Marji or "Marji Gras" today. In fact, I'm feeling thin!
Yesterday at the gym I kind of chanted in my head "I am getting thinner...I am getting stronger...I am getting healthier" over and over. And today I felt like it was so true. :)

Today is also four weeks from my birthday!

Exercise 2/2 by Feb 25

Day 29

2007-02-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a lot more positive energy today--even with the rainy skies. Talking about the negative feelings in our group talk last night was good. I don't understand exactly how my body works sometimes, but I know that no one knows it better than I do--including doctors. Based on my past experience, I have to exercise several hours a week and restrict calories to lose weight. That is what I'm doing now. I don't think there is anything "wrong" with my body that would keep it from working the way it should so I'm going to trust that it is and keep plugging forward.

Exercise 1/3 by Feb 25

Day 28--4 Weeks!

2007-02-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

In our group meeting tonight we talked about the feelings I've been blogging about this week. The good news is that while I have been blogging about these feelings I don't have them 24/7, but because they are new and different they stand out and then end up in my blog. The bad news though is that I'm having them and they are real for me. They are not Truth, but they are real. My pants still feel more lose now than they did a month ago. That is true. I'm not seeing the scale go down much. That is not true. Sure, I can look at the scale and see the numbers, but there is something masking my weigh loss. I know that. I feel like that is true. I've been exercising extra hard. When we have injuries our body sends fluid to that area to cushion it while its healing. When you work your muscles, you are basically injuring them. I just need to keep trucking forward--which I am.

Kathy and Donna brought up that these feelings of low vibration that I'm having are not the Marjorie that they know. I like thinking of it that way too. It's the Delilah that Bob Proctor talks about. The voice that seems so logical and accurate but is really trying to sabotage and take power. Donna suggested it might be good to do some journaling to let "Delilah" voice her fears and negativity and then write back to her what is actually true. I think that will be a good little project to do tomorrow!

Exercise 4.75/0

Almost 1/3 of the Way!

2007-02-17T10:54:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe we're almost a third of the way there! I'm still not feeling as though I'm really losing much and am considering reducing to 1200 calories a day. I haven't decided yet but am considering it. I was chatting with my mom Thursday about weight loss efforts and she has started counting calories too. (I think she might have been inspired a bit by me doing it when I was there) She does 1200 calories to lose weight. My mom is in her 60's and does not do the active exercising that I do--she walks whereas I am doing the eliptical machine--and I don't think she does any type of weight training--not that I do a whole lot but I do yoga regularly--so 1200 might be too little for me, but I'm open to whatever divine inspiration I get around that.

Speaking of strength training, yoga was so good today. Danielle showed us how to make the downward facing dog > plank pose > cobra pose transitions more effective and my arms are feeling it! That's a good thing though because it's only when we challenge our mind/body/spirit that we grow in that practice. Taking on challenges and hard work are like the sand paper that mold us.

Day 26

2007-02-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

It was so hard getting out of bed this morning, but I made it to the gym for 45 minutes on the eliptical and 15 on the treadmill. Exercise for the week is done as I go into this 3 day weekend!

Exercise 4/0 by Feb 18!!