You know how when you're on a cardio machine at the gym it'll flash up "You're 25%/40%/50% done" on the display? Well, today when I realized it is day 20, I thought I'd see what percentage done we are. Twenty divided by ninety is 22.222222... If you believe in numerology a bunch of twos means to not give up five minutes before the miracle arrives. I need that message today! I've been having more feelings that this isn't going to work. Logically I can see that my clothes are fitting better. I love how good I feel eating less--I truly believe that after a certain amount of food eating reduces your energy rather than boosts it. I love how good I feel after exercising early in the morning. I wore my Seven jeans yesterday--which are a snug 14 but at least I was able to wear them and be more or less comfortable. I've seen the scale go down some (even with that little jump after my trip) so I know that it's working. Despite all that there is this part of my brain that says "Oh girl, give it up. You are a fat girl. Just learn to be at peace with that." and "Yeah, you'll lose 15 pounds and get tired of this and put it right back on."
I don't like having these feelings. I know they are false.
Last night I stopped at a Latino market nearby and they always have guacamole and various salsas open to sample at the check outs. I thought "Will I ever be able to eat more calories in a day and stay thin so that I could actually eat chips and guacamole again?" If these thoughts are related it could be that I'm concerned that I'll have to eat this level of food for the rest of my life to stay thin. I don't want to get down to my goal weight of 147, buy all new clothes and then because I start eating a few more calories a day I put it all back on. I'd rather just skip this whole thing if that was what is going to happen. The lowest weight I've ever been was around 163-165. (The picture I posted a week or so back in the cow shirt shows me at that weight) One day I got tired of being scared to eat anything and I ate a full size bagel. I remember that day actually. I had been so scared of food while I was losing weight that when I stopped eating the prepackaged food I was scared to eat very much. I would eat a sugar free, fat free Dannon yogurt with some Grape Nuts in it for breakfast. For lunch I remember eating a piece of light Velveeta wrapped in a piece of lettuce (I was a poor college student and I detested Ramen Noodles). For dinner, I was the Lean Cuisine Queen--I had frozen dinners most nights. Then I entered graduate school and was earning more money and started eating out and I was eating like all the other people around me...and over the years I put it back on. I enjoyed what level of thinness I had gained, but I still saw myself as fat since I was a good 20 pounds over my goal weight. So in my mind, I've never been thin; no diet I've been on really worked (to say that it got me to my goal weight); and what weight I lost always came back because I didn't want to continue "depriving" myself. Thoughts are sort of swirling in my head of how to get out of this fearful thinking but I don't have an answer yet.
Exercise 4/0 by Feb 11
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Yes, you can make it! And you are making it! :)
And I love 222's. Their symbolism saves me many times--encouraging me on--no matter what is showing up in my present reality.
Please, Marjorie, don't do that to yourself. When that stuff comes up--ASAP-- feel ONLY--that it WILL work for you. What we focus on expands and as you said in your last passage--we're about feeling good. It never feels good for us to feel that what we want to experience in life will not happen.
....Oh! :) I should have just kept reading. :) Yay! On fitting into your size 14 jeans. That's wonderful! And I am so glad you are feeling more energy as a result of eating less volume and exercising in the morning. Yipee!
Oh....there she is again. Delilah, we love you and are pulling for you, but, it is time for you to get on our team--the "It's easy! I can soo do this." team. We've heard your philosophy for a long time now...and we'd like you to just relax and trust us on this. You are going to love the results if you do.
And I'd like to respond to your thoughts, Delilah: "You go, girl. Keep on keeping on!You are really a slim girl! You can feel peace on the way to materializing this and you are going to feel a different kind of peace with yourself when you get there--because you will know, through your own experience--that this is possible for you. And guess what? When you get down to the weight you are happy with--on all levels--you will be exercising at an even higher level, your body will be used to smaller portions, and it will be so easy for you to maintain. In fact, you may need to add in a bit more food at that poing-- so that you don't keep losing weight."
And the best way I know to get any of my old brain, or Delilah, or fearful and negative predicting kinds of thoughts out of my mind--is to turn to God and pray. When I center in God, I remember the truth and I get some space from those thoughts that are just not true about me or life.
You can be any weight you want to be. You don't have to "deprive" yourself. You are getting enough food for your body, mind, emotions and spirit.
And remember how we looked at the whole idea of deprivation in Phase I, long ago.
Chips and guacamole are inatimate objects. Your joy comes from another place. Even if you never put them in your mouth again--you can live a life that feels free of deprivation--so blessed--and above and beyond what you have experienced so far in life.
I remember when I realized that my trigger foods were depriving me of the life I wanted--not the other way around.
Living a life I love and being who I truly am--is what brings me a sense of deep satisfaction.
I'm kind of tired...so hope this is making sense. :)
I love you Delilah and Marjorie and hope you decide, Delilah, to trust Marjorie on this whole thing. She is a wise and powerful being and you are going to love how good it feels to be at the weight Marjorie has in mind. :)
With Love,
Kathy
www.kathybowesonline.com
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