Day 23

I'm not in a good space mentally today. I started to not even blog because I was afraid that I'd end up writing stuff that is not what I want to be thinking. Writing it down makes it real and I don't want this to be real. I'm feeling hopeless about weight loss. I lost 12 pounds earlier this year and then gained 7 back.
Today I don't believe that I can get to a health weight and that feels bad. I keep thinking that the perfect book, the perfect diet, the perfect bit of wisdom is out there and I just need to find it in order to make this happen. The truth is that the book, diet and wisdom are already in me but I just can't find it today. I feel like I'm searching in every nook and cranny and just can't find it. I KNOW it's there. I know that I know all that I need to do this. I know that I have the power within me to do this. The problem today is I don't believe I can do it. I need to change that feeling but right now I need to focus on doing work. If I'm working at least I'm not thinking about how I'm not losing weight, right?

Food yesterday was horrid. I had a good plan and I didn't stick to it. I did go to yoga and that was good.

I have my food packed for my meals today and my plan is to eat only that. Tonight I'm going to hang out with a friend and we're going to get salads from Pick Up Stix then play on her Wii. I will do Week 3 of C25K today too.

I think I need a bath in a Louise Hay book. :)

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I had a nice talk with my husband. I told him that I feel weak when it comes to weight loss. He said "You're not weak. I know. I've seen you be strong." I have seen myself be strong too and that's why it makes me wonder why I have so much trouble with this. My husband was able to stop using an addictive substance many years ago and seems to have this amazing bit of control that I don't understand. He said that he's militant about whatever he decides to do. That's something that I'm not being. I'd love to just never have to eat again, but of course I can't do that. Drug addicts vow to never take their drug again. Food addicts can't do that. We still have to eat. I've said before that this makes food addiction harder but it doesn't excuse things. So what I have to do as a food addict is be 100% clear on what I can and cannot eat. There can't be any "Just this once won't hurt" business.