I'm doing really well getting back to eating my packed meals during the day, but nighttime is still throwing me off. I had a realization last night though that I think is key. I'm a "good girl" all day at work--being the responsible employee and doing work, being the good "dieter" and eating my healthy, packed meals. Then I get home and want to totally rebel. I want to be irresponsible, eat everything in sight and forget all about all the people and pets relying on me. I have known for a while that I'm a responsibility junkie, but yesterday I got this great e-zine about doing too much out of sense of responsibility. I swear the woman must have been watching me or got inside my head to know. She used the term responsibility junkie and I felt like she had hit me right between the eyes. I'm not sure how to step back in my responsibilities because I've made a commitment to several organizations and I feel responsible for taking care of my household. What I do know is that my inner child is tired of being responsible and wants to be loose and free a bit more. This is something that has been ingrained in me since I was a kid. In the 4th grade I started 4-H and had a pig that I showed at the livestock shows. I was responsible for feeding it, cleaning its pen, etc. I continued showing pigs, chickens and dairy cows until I graduated from high school. When I have stress dreams (even now!) I dream that I've forgotten to feed my pigs/cows/chickens for a few days and they are all in pens where they can't get to food. I haven't had livestock since I was 18 and I'm 39 now....and yet that is how stress over responsibility manifests in my dreams.
This is something I need to ponder some more. As unrelated as showing a pig in 4-H in 4th grade seems to dieting...I think it is in my case.
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