Things I'm proud of from yesterday: Not much. I overate. I was really, really tired. I woke up tired and achy--I guess from the yoga class on Saturday and the run/walk on Sunday because I didn't do anything else to make my muscles sore and tired. Being tired and achy very frequently leads to eating more than I should--some inane attempt at getting more energy going, I guess. I beat myself up about it pretty good too. That little voice that I squished on Saturday came out kicking and screaming. I thought about it in the shower this morning. I am so freaking tired of the roller coaster of weight loss and overeating. As I stood there in the shower this morning I was so sick of it all that I wanted to cry. I wished that I could take a month or two off work to spend some time concentrating on why I keep doing this and try to heal myself. I would do almost anything to heal myself of whatever it is that makes me do this. I read books, I make commitments, I do really well for several days! Then I do something stupid-stupid-stupid like go to Taco Bell when I'm not even hungry! I'm sick of this. I don't want to live this way. How is it that I was doing SO well on Saturday and two days later I'm overeating with no concern whatsoever for the consequences? I don't get it. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just make peace with being overweight and stop fighting what is apparently my destiny. But I know that this is just a limiting belief that I have. And I know that while I might feel like just accepting what is and not trying to change it, I will want to change it later when this passes.
I feel extra bad that today I get encouragement emails from Jeanie and my accountability partner for my work so far when I did so poorly yesterday.
My plan for today: I have my meals packed. I am not going to eat anything other than what is in my lunch bag. When I get home I will fix something for dinner and not eat past 8:00pm. I will go to the gym later and do my run/walk.
Something I am grateful for: Daily Word. Just when I think that there are no words that can make me feel better, I read the Daily Word and realize that whatever bad feelings I have are not Truth. They are lies meant to bring me down. Yesterday's Daily Word says:
God is my wisdom and my strength.
I may have felt an inner urging for something more in life but had not been able to identify what that "more" was until now. I have discovered that it is a calling from within to experience the presence of God more fully.
I am both physical and spiritual. Knowing this, I do not look to the outer world for the satisfaction of my soul. God alone satisfies my soul, and when I fill my consciousness with an awareness of God, I know that I am whole and complete.
I am fulfilled through my daily communion with God. I am not a person who is wanting or needy. I am not beseeching or demanding. All-power is at work within me and through me--a wonder to behold. God is my wisdom and my strength, and I am capable of doing more and being more in every moment.
"Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine."--Ephesians 3:20
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